as a child, if you asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up, i would have said i wanted to save the world. i didn't even know what i wanted to save it from, i just knew that every superhero's job was to save the world. and i wanted to be a superhero so very badly.
my ideal power would have been to fly. to escape from the things that could hurt me, and to rush to the rescue of others when they were hurt. flying just seemed like the ultimate way to live out your fantasies and to be free. even as a child, i wanted to be free, to have an escape when i needed it.
the desire in me to save the world hasn't died. not yet, anyway. it comes rushing back with every frown line i see on a friend's face, with every downtrodden face i see as i walk, and even with those commercials on tv about those under privileged children in other countries. as romantic as it may sound, i just want to do something and to make a difference. to save something. to feel like my being there did something.
it's so hard to accept that i can't always change things. i feel so helpless at that idea, but i have to accept it. i can't run away from the things that make me cry, and i can't wipe away every tear that falls from the eyes of someone i love. i want so badly to help those i see who need it, but even i know my own limits. the limits that hold me back from my full potential. my superhero potential.
all i know is that i will never stop wanting to soar. and when i figure that out, i'll finally be able to save the world.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Chapter 24: Euphoria.
i've always imagined that being truly and completely happy is more of a physical than mental thing. that tingling of the very nerves in your fingertips from excitement as your entire body pulsates with the waves of ecstasy as you are immersed in a moment so powerful, so euphoric that you've honestly lost the power of speech as your cheeks begin to strain from the smile on your mouth that just won't stop.
i have come close to this feeling.
i wonder, though, if it was the physical characteristics of the situation that made me this happy, this alive. it could have very well been the depth of the bass that forced my own heart to beat along with it. it could have been the thousands of people, melting and swaying and pushing and shoving so inappropriately close to each other that such closeness would be called an invasion of personal space in ordinary life. it could have been the range of lights: the strobes that made you question your own vision and sense of reality, the cool blues and darkness that soothed you as you swayed, or the fire and flames that ignited something oh so much more inside of you.
it could had also been that one of the hottest men alive, travis from the gym class heroes, was within a few yards of where i stood, belting out his soul to me and only me. his electricity alone was enough to make me euphoric.
i have come close to this feeling.
i wonder, though, if it was the physical characteristics of the situation that made me this happy, this alive. it could have very well been the depth of the bass that forced my own heart to beat along with it. it could have been the thousands of people, melting and swaying and pushing and shoving so inappropriately close to each other that such closeness would be called an invasion of personal space in ordinary life. it could have been the range of lights: the strobes that made you question your own vision and sense of reality, the cool blues and darkness that soothed you as you swayed, or the fire and flames that ignited something oh so much more inside of you.
it could had also been that one of the hottest men alive, travis from the gym class heroes, was within a few yards of where i stood, belting out his soul to me and only me. his electricity alone was enough to make me euphoric.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Chapter 23: Lost.
it is so incredibly easy to get lost these days. and i don't mean "we're supposed to be in california, how did we end up in north dakota" lost. just purely lost. mentally, maybe. spiritually. the oddest thing about this is that it seems as if physically, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. looking in on your life from the outside makes you think that everything is ok from that perspective, that life can actually be good.
it's the inside out that's scary.
i've heard that if you are ever caught in a crowd, you should just stick out your elbows and get carried away. unfortunately, once you reach that destination, what do you have to show for it? maybe a bruised elbow or two, but nothing more. it's so easy to get carried away with the present that the future becomes that destination. and something that you realize you are completely unprepared for.
it's the inside out that's scary.
i've heard that if you are ever caught in a crowd, you should just stick out your elbows and get carried away. unfortunately, once you reach that destination, what do you have to show for it? maybe a bruised elbow or two, but nothing more. it's so easy to get carried away with the present that the future becomes that destination. and something that you realize you are completely unprepared for.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Chapter 22: Status.
what would you want more in this world, fame or fortune?
one of the funniest things in the world is to be an upperclassmen watching freshmen enter campus for the first time. it's not the fumbling and getting lost that's amusing, or the general sense of astonishment at seeing things they've never seen before, or even the giddiness at being away from home (read: parents) for the first time. it's the way they approach the social circles at college.
every group, regardless of how they associate themselves and each other, have a sense of a social hierarchy. this seems to be the natural order of humans to classify themselves as some being "better" or "cooler" than others. think back to kindergarten, when there were those kids with the cool lunch-boxes of the most in cartoon and the best sandwiches. didn't we all automatically associate them with that intangible status of "cool?" we all wanted to sit next to them during snack time, "sleep" next to them during naptime, and be invited to their birthday parties. why? just because. if we, as children, were capable of making these assumptions without the effects of popularity, what's to stop us from making judgments when we are older?
nothing. that's why we do it. and one day, we start hating ourselves for it.
it is most clear once you have passed a point of making these judgment calls, i.e. when you are an upperclassmen. you start noticing how freshmen will make more of an effort to talk to some older students, while ignoring others. adding certain people as facebook friends minutes after meeting them, while waiting for others to add them. i have even seen some freshmen actively introducing themselves to one person in a group, while acting with indifference to the person standing next to them and staring them down.
survival of the fittest? there must be some evolutionary reason as to why people are programmed to do this. having the most amount of a certain type of friends will get you through college? not true. the best way to get by is to not make enemies. and always remember that though you may not know who people are, they are always watching you.
one of the funniest things in the world is to be an upperclassmen watching freshmen enter campus for the first time. it's not the fumbling and getting lost that's amusing, or the general sense of astonishment at seeing things they've never seen before, or even the giddiness at being away from home (read: parents) for the first time. it's the way they approach the social circles at college.
every group, regardless of how they associate themselves and each other, have a sense of a social hierarchy. this seems to be the natural order of humans to classify themselves as some being "better" or "cooler" than others. think back to kindergarten, when there were those kids with the cool lunch-boxes of the most in cartoon and the best sandwiches. didn't we all automatically associate them with that intangible status of "cool?" we all wanted to sit next to them during snack time, "sleep" next to them during naptime, and be invited to their birthday parties. why? just because. if we, as children, were capable of making these assumptions without the effects of popularity, what's to stop us from making judgments when we are older?
nothing. that's why we do it. and one day, we start hating ourselves for it.
it is most clear once you have passed a point of making these judgment calls, i.e. when you are an upperclassmen. you start noticing how freshmen will make more of an effort to talk to some older students, while ignoring others. adding certain people as facebook friends minutes after meeting them, while waiting for others to add them. i have even seen some freshmen actively introducing themselves to one person in a group, while acting with indifference to the person standing next to them and staring them down.
survival of the fittest? there must be some evolutionary reason as to why people are programmed to do this. having the most amount of a certain type of friends will get you through college? not true. the best way to get by is to not make enemies. and always remember that though you may not know who people are, they are always watching you.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Chapter 21: ...aaand we're back.
i'd like to romantically say that i took this one month's hiatus to go find myself. sadly, i cannot. i'll admit that i spent one month doing things that altogether prevented me from hitting my blog tab at the top of my screen. but now i'm back, and hopefully able to tell you all about the world again. hopefully, you care.
even if i haven't changed in one month, the world surely has. that's the funny thing about it...no matter how hard you try to stand still, everything else will always continue to move...
even if i haven't changed in one month, the world surely has. that's the funny thing about it...no matter how hard you try to stand still, everything else will always continue to move...
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