Chapter 57: Today.

someone was lost today. this shouldn't be surprising as someone is lost everyday, nearly every minute, nearly every second. the difference is when that someone is so special, is a light to so many around us.

someone was cherished and beloved. someone made everyone smile with his really dumb jokes that i didn't understand half the time but laughed at anyway. he always looked so pleased when he said those jokes that i couldn't help but laugh to appease that expectant face. someone would always attempt to make light of any situation, regardless of how serious. this was especially frustrating when i was trying to teach someone how to dance in a performance that was 2 weeks away.
someone was a terrible dancer.

someone was a son, a brother, a child, my nephew. someone was a best friend to so many people. i've always wondered how many people would come to my funeral; there will never be this many. i wanted to tell someone that i was jealous; he was so popular. someone would say, "please, sherene chechi, look who's talking, miss popular-dance-teacher-hottie." again, i wouldn't get it, but i would laugh.

someone was so happy, always. even at those times when you think that you can never be happy, right before you are about to die, even then. he was happy. the only thing that made him sad was that this mother would be sad, and that he wouldn't be there to comfort her. despite the fact that all she would want at that moment was him and that all he would want at that moment would be to comfort her, it would be impossible.

someone lives in everyone he touched. when anyone is up late on aim, comforting someone else who has a test tomorrow, someone is there. when anyone is so warm and kind and so full of life, someone is there. and when anyone makes a really dumb comment that i will not even begin to understand, someone is there.

rip selvin
05/11/1990-08/23/2008

Chapter 56: Gods and Men.

the world is currently crazed with the recent olympic games held in beijing. each athlete has become a beacon of hope for his or her country, a symbol of hope, etc etc etc. i can't help but see greek gods on those fields, sculpted bodies that perform the most amazing of deeds. they are never mere men and women; they are the extraordinary, the sublime, the blessed. i'm always in awe at the sheer power i see in those pumping biceps on the track or the veins that push through in those arms racing through water or even the sweat that slowly drips down a face so intent on proving something amazing.

more than that, i see what the mere mortal is not. here are men and women intent on winning, but never forgetting their team members or the talent of those around them. my father, an athlete himself, would always impress upon me the importance of good sportsmanship, the willingness to take what comes with dignity and pride. these people are the epitome of this view point for they've won just by being there.

in all honestly, why don't we just leave world matters to these god-like beings? to decide who gets more of a particular resource, the fastest athlete wins. to decide who wins a dispute, the most agile gymnast wins. the best part is that there are never any sore losers, never anyone grabbing for more, each happy with the work that he/she has done and what each has earned. no losers, no sad faces, no loss. sounds good to me.

Chapter 55: Angels and my demons.

i wonder if angels are ever disappointed. there are so many things in this world that could, do and will go wrong that i wonder if an angel ever takes a step back, lets out a long sigh and says, "damnit, human, appreciate what you have."

we all know that angels can get jealous since that was the reason for lucifer's fall from grace. in his jealousy of the love God afforded mankind, he turned on all that created him, resulting in his banishment from heaven into eternal damnation. it seems that angels are not without their own complaints and negative thoughts. they just can't act on them.

but don't they ever get frustrated? here they are, assigned to guard and protect humanity forever, yet all humans seem to repeat the mistakes of those who came before them. that has to be just so infuriatingly annoying. if you've ever tutored a child or taught anyone anything and you came across a situation where that person just can't see the big picture and makes the same mistake again and again despite you being able to see exactly what needs to be done to get it right, you know what i mean. why can't they see it, why can't they see what they have?

then again, i suppose that's why they're angels. that never ending patience and love even for the most disobedient of people. most of all, that hope that things will get better. they never lose hope in humanity, and continue to believe in the good in us. all we can do is hope to be worthy of such high tolerance.

Chapter 54: Umbrellas

i was caught in a freak storm yesterday in nyc as i walked to the bus terminal to go home. it was one of those classic, couldn't-be-real-so-it-must-be-a-movie storms that came out of nowhere, sending everyone running under scaffolding and transforming the daily newspapers into useless forms of protection. i'm fairly certain that somewhere in the city, a fabulously dressed man and woman managed to share a space under a platform, and are now in love.

luckily for me, i had my one-person umbrella which i pulled out smartly to preserve my outfit (in nyc, this is a concern). but if anyone has been in new york during any kind of storm, you know that precipitation doesn't fall straight down. it goes up, right, left, around corners, even results in minor tornadoes that whip broadway show flyers and random receipts into your eyes as you try to avoid running into oncoming traffic. and my outfit? don't worry, all splattered with splotches of rain.

i stubbornly held on to the umbrella, though. despite it's very obvious ineffectiveness, i refused to put it away. i preferred to struggle against both the elements and the canvas/metal contraption that i had in my hands. like so many things in my life, i held on to something that was supposed to protect me and obviously didn't. why did i think that because it promised to protect me, it would? even after i knew it wouldn't.

after a few minutes of arguing with myself, i put away the umbrella and enjoyed the weather. hair whipping around my face, clothes getting more and more soaked, i strolled through the storm, totally comfortable, completely fine. and not having to deal with so called protective resources. i just needed myself.

Chapter 53: Time. Or lack thereof.

the generation of "the rules" is actually before mine, but the aftershocks seem to have seeped their way into the present. these "rules" were a code that all women should follow in order to not only bag themselves a man, but a husband.

one of the key components of these rules was how to use time effectively. for example, one should never call a member of the opposite sex the day after he/she met him/her. wait. and they will come to you. or the classic concept of wait before engaging in any activities too soon, for this will not only guarantee that you will not find yourself a husband, but that you also happen to be a whore.

the main point behind the rules is to take things slowly and carefully, using prudence along each step of the courting process. only by careful observation and judgment can one land the goal that everyone appears to be pursuing: true love.

so what happened to the days of yore when "love at first sight" and "head over heels" were the mantras of those who were willing to engage in the games of love? every great love story starts with that sighting across the room of someone so captivating you think she's an angel, of the glint in one's eye that makes you want to know more, of that soft laugh that makes you yearn to be the one that made that witty comment. we've all learned and celebrated the classic tale of romeo and juliet, whose love started in this way, but why don't we practice that anymore?

there are many skeptics out there who claim that this is lust at first sight, which it is for some people. but let's not forget that the initial attraction is what leads to more, and upon looking at someone, what more do you have to go on but their appearance and mode of carrying themselves? but lust cannot be equated with the concept of wanting to know more about a person.

i've been in a situation where i met someone and instantly wanted to know who he was, through and through. what made him laugh, cry, what he thought of the educational system in america, what foods he preferred over others. lust would have made me wanted to know other things, not what his opinions are on the upcoming elections. i'm not saying that i fell in love at that moment, but that excitement of realizing that this was someone who i could like a lot more was beyond exhilarating. and something we need to bring back into vogue.

Chapter 52: Cover of darkness

i've always wished that the things i do under the cover of darkness would go erased. kind of like the ostrich theory where an ostrich sticks it's head in sand in the hopes that if it doesn't see you, you're not there. likewise, if no one saw it happen, then it didn't.

unless i myself wasn't drunk enough and happened to remember the next morning. or within a few hours when i sobered up. or when i realized that it was still staring me in the face.

i've always lived my life without regrets. this definitely doesn't mean that i haven't made mistakes (i've made plenty, i assure you), but i take the best that i can from each negative experience and try to learn from everything. it is the amalgamation of my experiences that make me who i am, after all.

i recently made an interesting decision under the cover of darkness that i almost instantly regretted. an out of character, reputation ruining, made me want to wake up to a new day decision. and this also turned out to be something that seemed to continue throughout the night, and though it was a really enjoyable night, dawn and reality both smacked me awake the next morning. i was hoping beyond hope that nothing was ruined and whatever happened would stay in that obscure darkness where it happened.

except this decision stuck with me. it was one of those things that i publicly wanted to wish away, but privately hoped wouldn't leave. and it didn't. now i realize that the darkness that i hoped would hide it completely was merely hiding what it really was: an opportunity at true happiness.

Chapter 51: Letters to words to sentences to meaning

if anyone has ever spent 10 minutes with me, they know that i am a rather prolific texter. spurred from my love of the written language and my parents incessant need to use up all of our shared minutes, i'm one of those people for whom the cell phone has become another appendage, one that's never too far from my fingers. at any one time, i could be having a multitude of conversations, all while checking email or watching tv.

i've also noticed, however, that i am more inclined to type out a message rather than actually call a person and tell them the message. is this wrong? i've heard a lot of people say that this can be a really impersonal way of communicating with others since i'm apparently avoiding personal contact. but this, to me, is personal. knowing that my medium of choice is the written word and this is the best way for me to communicate, shouldn't someone be flattered that my fingers flew about the keyboard as the t9 frantically assigned all the words i demanded of it, just to tell someone a message from my heart?

i guess people fear that with the advancement of technology and science, we'll lose our humanity. that we'll settle for interfacing rather than communicating, or cyber-anthings instead of touch. especially with advent of multi player worlds where avatars become someone and the physical human never has to leave his home, i can see why people would fear this.

but i look at it as a godsend. when i'm lying in bed at 3 in the morning, wishing that someone was near me, don't i reach for my phone to text them a simple "i love you"? and when that person wakes up in the morning and checks his phone, he'll see that i was thinking of him at that time and simply could not wait until dawn to give him that message.

and what about all those friends i've made in college who have been flung to the far reaches of the world? gchat and aim help me to know that they're doing well, loving their new job, and met a fabulous person they're going to have coffee with next week at a time when i'll be sound asleep on this part of the world.

this anti-social medium has turned me into a much more social person. what seems impersonal is, in fact, what keeps things personal in my life.

Chapter 50: Expectations

i hate when people push you to do something so much in order to meet their expectations. why would anyone be arrogant enough to assume that they're expectations are what should be met?

this doesn't just refer to those usually unattainable expectations that parents have for their children that teenagers rebel against with all their might. it's those things that friends or significant others expect you to do, just because you are a friend or significant other. that peer pressure that's so annoying because it's not a random peer, but someone who should understand.

this is probably the worst kind of pressure because it's so hard to say no to these people. you don't want to offend them because they are such a big part of your life, but it's so hard to convince them that what they want is different from your wants. you become so close to these people that it's assumed you have the same desires, but when one realizes that this isn't the case, it can be incredibly awkward to initiate that split.

friends or couples should never be attached at the hip and shouldn't ever morph into one, never ending person. why don't people hold on to those initial characteristics that made that friend or loved one notice them in the first place?