Chapter 90: Impact.

as i've written before, i've always had a fascination with death in a very hands off kind of way. i'm always intrigued by the outpouring of grief and compassion that comes after a person's death. the younger or more famous the person is, the more the grief triggered around the world. it makes sense since when a younger person passes away, you can't help but mourn their lost potential. when a famous person passes away, you celebrate their influence in the world.

this has been especially on my mind as of late with the recent passing of steve jobs. now, personal beliefs and morals aside, everyone can and should agree that this man has truly contributed hugely to the world as we know it today. in fact, he changed our every day routines to the point that it is very rare for us (in the first world, anyway) to not touch an apple product on a daily basis. and if we don't, there is probably one within arm's reach.

interestingly enough, i found out about his death from a fashion blog that i follow through google reader. yup, you read that correctly: a fashion blog. is this because of how fashionable jobs was while he was alive? not really, no. but his impact was so great and reverberated through so many industries, that even the readers of this fashion blog--which was really just a new york city girl modeling her own designer clothes in rather crooked poses on the top of her parents' apartment building--could mourn the passing of this man. after all, those fashion forward viewers might have been reading that blog through a mac or an iproduct.

with blogger's new features (maybe they're not new? i haven't been here in a while...), i can now see how many people have viewed my blog over the course of its life. i can't help but wonder who you all are, and what can be gained through my blog, if anything. i started this blog over four years ago (jaw just dropped at that) in the hopes that i could find a corner of the internet to call my own. did i ever think that ANYONE would read it? well, i hoped someone would which is why it's a public blog in the first place. as ridiculous as it may seem, i'd love to imagine that some post i made was the butterfly flapping it's wings to create the storm on the other side of the world. highly doubtful, but at least i can hope to have some tiny influence on the world, some fraction of the impact that jobs left behind him. perhaps this blog will be my ticket to fame, or it will merely serve as place to record my delusions. i guess time will tell.  

Chapter 89: Excuses.

i have a ton of excuses for basically everything in my life. not all bad, but not all good either. i can convince myself and others around me of why i didn't get to work on time, of why i didn't go home one weekend, of even why i haven't written in this blog for nearly a year.

there are some days, however, that the truth comes smacking me in the face from that neat little corner where i tucked it away. naturally, once i have convinced myself of my excuse (read: lie), the truth can no longer stick around since the two are at direct odds with each other. every so often, though, i have these moments where i feel like i've just woken up. as if everything i had been looking at was cloudy and the sudden rush of clarity takes my breath away. kind of like those claritin commercials.

i've made a decision to myself that these excuses can no longer be a part of my life. if i am making an excuse for something, i'll have to question my intention in making that excuse. is it something that i'm ashamed of? something i am too lazy to do? something i don't want to admit to myself? if there is anything that i can't admit outright, then it shouldn't be a part of my life. it's definitely time to be more honest with others and most of all, myself. (and with my blog, of course.)