'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~ alfred lord tennyson.
um, right. so in the aftermath of that industry inspired fiasco called valentine's day and my own heart being broken (yes, tear), i had to do a study on what exactly we define as that special someone.
1. someone with whom you can spend time with effortlessly and as cheesy as it sounds and someone who doesn't have to try to get to know you better. someone who just picks up on everything and eventually knows you really well... i’m going to be the cheesiest girlfriend ever
~single female, doesn’t like anyone
2. you (er, thanks?)
~single male, uninvolved
3. for me, as long as she makes me smile when she's not here or i'm not talking to her and the time we spend together is enough to carry me through until the next time
~male, long term relationship
4. uh, what?
~single female physically attached to a guy who is emotionally involved with her
5. i am a simple minded individual, what’s with these philosophical questions?
~single female, heart breaks: 1
ok, so 5 people doesn’t exactly constitute a study, but it works enough for me. my conclusion? we have no idea what we are looking for. the things that i left out of these findings are the frustrations that are felt by all. the ones who are single forever question their own self worth, asking themselves, “why not me?” they claim to be happy, but you always see their fallen faces when a couple walks by or a friend of theirs finds what she is looking for. how do you make the most confident, eloquent and no-nonsense girl stutter? ask her where her boyfriend is, and then why she doesn’t have one. all of her self-doubt will be poured into that single, hesitant, “um…”
oh no, all of you in relationships, don’t get all smug on me just yet. trust me, i know your secrets, what lies beneath that overly self-satisfying you feeling you get when you look at what seems to be pathetic singletons. what about those of you who are envious? the ones who look at the singles, and think, “why can’t i do that?” it’s not that you don’t love the person you’re with; you just loved your formal lifestyle a little more. and then what about all those questions you have? “why is he taking so long to respond to my texts? why did she completely blow me off? who is that person he’s talking to? what is she doing on that girls’ night out with her single friends who don’t like me very much to begin with?” those questions that you know you can’t exactly ask out loud since you are supposed to appear like you trust the other person. but it’s not the other person you don’t trust, it’s everyone else. or so you say.
we spend so much of our time worrying about this perfect person who will be such a complement to us. but aren’t i doing ok on my own right now? i have the most amazing friends in the world, experiences that i don’t regret for a second, and a life that is making me truly be the person that i want to be. having a someone would only add to who i am, not make me.
right? i suppose this is the logical way to look at things from a heart broken point-of-view. just wait until i get that boyfriend i can’t stop writing about.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Chapter 31: Lent and alcohol.
this year, for lent, i decided to give up alcohol.
ok, i need to preface this statement with another: i am not an alcoholic. not yet, anyway. this was merely an exercise in self control. besides, with midterms and finals going on during lent, plus other things that needed my constant and preferably sober attention, i figured that i could less haziness in my life. plus, i figured that i wouldn't be going to that many parties and whatnot anyway, so the temptation wouldn't be there.
do you have any idea how much alcohol is put in front of a college student every week? a lot, let me tell you. despite me thinking that this would a slow time in terms of the partying, oh no. not only was this the time of your average, impromptu "no-one's-really-do-anything-tonight-so-let's-all-be-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time-with-music-on" parties, but my friends and i have recently started celebrating every single birthday by going to a byo restaurant. this means at least 1 byo every 2 weeks or so because birthday's definitely don't come in waves; they come in once a week increments.
despite all of this, i was actually doing pretty well... for the first four days. then, one of my absolute best friends' 21st birthday came about. mind you, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity because her birthday always falls during spring break. this year, the one year i decide to give up alcohol and she turns 21, the stars aligned to have her birthday fall on the day before we all left for break. what else could i do but raise my margarita (with tequila) to toast to her auspicious day?
i failed. quickly and soundly. i'm fairly certain that God wanted me to fail otherwise all these events falling oh so perfectly would have never happened in any other year. thankfully, i also believe in a God whose known for His forgiveness.
...if i ever decide to give up alcohol again, remind me of this debacle, if i don't remember it already. and here's to a few more hazy nights and hung over mornings.
ok, i need to preface this statement with another: i am not an alcoholic. not yet, anyway. this was merely an exercise in self control. besides, with midterms and finals going on during lent, plus other things that needed my constant and preferably sober attention, i figured that i could less haziness in my life. plus, i figured that i wouldn't be going to that many parties and whatnot anyway, so the temptation wouldn't be there.
do you have any idea how much alcohol is put in front of a college student every week? a lot, let me tell you. despite me thinking that this would a slow time in terms of the partying, oh no. not only was this the time of your average, impromptu "no-one's-really-do-anything-tonight-so-let's-all-be-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time-with-music-on" parties, but my friends and i have recently started celebrating every single birthday by going to a byo restaurant. this means at least 1 byo every 2 weeks or so because birthday's definitely don't come in waves; they come in once a week increments.
despite all of this, i was actually doing pretty well... for the first four days. then, one of my absolute best friends' 21st birthday came about. mind you, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity because her birthday always falls during spring break. this year, the one year i decide to give up alcohol and she turns 21, the stars aligned to have her birthday fall on the day before we all left for break. what else could i do but raise my margarita (with tequila) to toast to her auspicious day?
i failed. quickly and soundly. i'm fairly certain that God wanted me to fail otherwise all these events falling oh so perfectly would have never happened in any other year. thankfully, i also believe in a God whose known for His forgiveness.
...if i ever decide to give up alcohol again, remind me of this debacle, if i don't remember it already. and here's to a few more hazy nights and hung over mornings.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Chapter 30: Innocence.
haddonfield, nj is a perfect little suburban town. it has a main street, a downtown, one high school, one middle school, and a dinosaur in its main square named "haddy." i went there the other day for a project i had to do for my independent study.
it was amazing to see innocence in such a pure form. i got off the train, and as i walked through the town to get to where i had to go, i fell in step behind a group of middle school boys on their way home from school. the first thing i noticed was the lack of brands on their clothes. everything about them - jeans, sweaters, bookbags, jackets – lacked that branded quality that is so apparent in cities. i can always tells wear someone’s shoes are from or purse or even which version of the ipod someone’s listening to. this could be attributed to the fact that i’m just not brand savvy when it comes to what middle school boys are wearing these days, but i couldn’t even seen an image to be able to reference anything.
the most startling thing about these boys, though? the way they looked at me…with fear. granted, at 5’5”, i don’t pose quite an intimidating figure, as far as i can tell. i could only guess that it was my dark makeup and long dark coat (yes, i wear mostly dark colors) that turned me into something that they had never seen before, and therefore viewed with suspicion. after all, we fear what we don’t know, right?
it was amazing to see innocence in such a pure form. i got off the train, and as i walked through the town to get to where i had to go, i fell in step behind a group of middle school boys on their way home from school. the first thing i noticed was the lack of brands on their clothes. everything about them - jeans, sweaters, bookbags, jackets – lacked that branded quality that is so apparent in cities. i can always tells wear someone’s shoes are from or purse or even which version of the ipod someone’s listening to. this could be attributed to the fact that i’m just not brand savvy when it comes to what middle school boys are wearing these days, but i couldn’t even seen an image to be able to reference anything.
the most startling thing about these boys, though? the way they looked at me…with fear. granted, at 5’5”, i don’t pose quite an intimidating figure, as far as i can tell. i could only guess that it was my dark makeup and long dark coat (yes, i wear mostly dark colors) that turned me into something that they had never seen before, and therefore viewed with suspicion. after all, we fear what we don’t know, right?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Chapter 29: Middle Child Syndrome.
being the psychology major that i am, i often find it difficult to resist the urge of diagnosing the people around me with the disorders i learned that day in class. i have found a depression, narcissism, and even the beginning forms of schizophrenia in my observations. despite being one of the initial things that psychology professors say when you get to class, i still find all these disorders around me.
another thing i find myself doing is inventing disorders that have yet to be discovered. my pride and glory has been the one that i have dubbed “middle child syndrome.” i have been preparing for the presentation of this syndrome to the american psychologists association since the age of 3. the age i myself became a middle child.
this is really one of the most interesting social experiences to have because you get to experience two disparate worlds: that of being the older sibling and that of being the younger one. and as much as you may think there are perks, there are also some pretty heavy downfalls, as well. for example, i have never done anything new because my older sister did it first and i just couldn't pull it off as cute as my little brother could. i got into trouble for the mistakes i made whereas my older sister made those mistakes because she had no one to show her the way and i had to learn from her experiences. my little brother was just a baby and babies are allowed to make mistakes.
i do get to see the differences, though. i understand why younger siblings don't always take advice, but i know how important it is to give it when you can. i can see the fair and the unfair in why the older one or the younger one gets to do something.
i guess this kind of makes me perpetually inadequate.
another thing i find myself doing is inventing disorders that have yet to be discovered. my pride and glory has been the one that i have dubbed “middle child syndrome.” i have been preparing for the presentation of this syndrome to the american psychologists association since the age of 3. the age i myself became a middle child.
this is really one of the most interesting social experiences to have because you get to experience two disparate worlds: that of being the older sibling and that of being the younger one. and as much as you may think there are perks, there are also some pretty heavy downfalls, as well. for example, i have never done anything new because my older sister did it first and i just couldn't pull it off as cute as my little brother could. i got into trouble for the mistakes i made whereas my older sister made those mistakes because she had no one to show her the way and i had to learn from her experiences. my little brother was just a baby and babies are allowed to make mistakes.
i do get to see the differences, though. i understand why younger siblings don't always take advice, but i know how important it is to give it when you can. i can see the fair and the unfair in why the older one or the younger one gets to do something.
i guess this kind of makes me perpetually inadequate.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Chapter 28: Good, bad, or in between.
finals are an interesting time in the career of college students. it’s kind of like being tripped out for at least 2 weeks, and it’s ok because no one questions why you suddenly start laughing hysterically or why you’ve been binge eating at 3 in the morning. most of all, you are excused for saying the most outrageous comments and for speaking without thinking. after all, how are you expected to think more beyond the rigors of academic life to check that you are being a polite person?
this past finals seasons, my roommates and i had a very interesting conversation. it started out with how important grades are to each of us, and it naturally turned to sex. the question that was raised was would each of us be willing to sleep with a professor to get a good grade. surprising, some of us (not saying who) said that we would be fine with it. this was followed by would you sleep with older men to would you sleep around casually to would you sleep with someone knowing that you are the other woman and that he is in a committed relationship.
on first glance, one would assume that the answers to these questions would be automatic no's. after all, social convention attempts to teach all young girls that these are not acceptable behaviors. yet, what interested me the most was that the answers to most of these questions were "it depends." the situation, circumstances, the state of mind that each person is in, etc. it was never a concrete yes or no.
we've always been taught to be strong in our convictions and to take a stand if what we believe has been questioned. but what do we believe? how many times can we honestly say that we completely believe in one idea or the other? is there any way to classify something as completely good or bad when there are so many what if's in this world?
this doesn't make me doubt anything i believe in, but i always find that it's important to understand that the opposite of what i believe is not the enemy or the wrong. it's just a difference, something that i should keep an open mind to if i really want to learn something new now and then. it's not a lack of faith in one's own convictions that i find faulty with others; it's the presumption that what one things is so completely correct that they just can't be wrong. and these are the people who seem to be wrong the most.
this past finals seasons, my roommates and i had a very interesting conversation. it started out with how important grades are to each of us, and it naturally turned to sex. the question that was raised was would each of us be willing to sleep with a professor to get a good grade. surprising, some of us (not saying who) said that we would be fine with it. this was followed by would you sleep with older men to would you sleep around casually to would you sleep with someone knowing that you are the other woman and that he is in a committed relationship.
on first glance, one would assume that the answers to these questions would be automatic no's. after all, social convention attempts to teach all young girls that these are not acceptable behaviors. yet, what interested me the most was that the answers to most of these questions were "it depends." the situation, circumstances, the state of mind that each person is in, etc. it was never a concrete yes or no.
we've always been taught to be strong in our convictions and to take a stand if what we believe has been questioned. but what do we believe? how many times can we honestly say that we completely believe in one idea or the other? is there any way to classify something as completely good or bad when there are so many what if's in this world?
this doesn't make me doubt anything i believe in, but i always find that it's important to understand that the opposite of what i believe is not the enemy or the wrong. it's just a difference, something that i should keep an open mind to if i really want to learn something new now and then. it's not a lack of faith in one's own convictions that i find faulty with others; it's the presumption that what one things is so completely correct that they just can't be wrong. and these are the people who seem to be wrong the most.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Chapter 27: Point of view.
there are have been countless songs and poems and ballads and stories and love notes written to eyes. the ever present window to one's soul, another person's escape, a wide expanse in which to get lost in. we choose to describe how deep eyes can be, all the while forgetting how truly limiting they are to each of us.i don't mean that the sense of sight is what limits us, but the fact that we all only see the world through one set of eyes. our own. and no one else's.
the very thing that is one of man's greatest attributes has contributed many times as his greatest downfall: the loss of perspective. or maybe the idea of never having it at all. we are so focused on the world as we see it from behind our own eyes that we forget the almost 7 billion other sets of eyes who are peering back at us. and majority of those eyes are one's that we will never see in our lifetimes.
i never realized this issue until i started taking a class called perception. it has actually been proven that our minds will concoct the world into a form that we can recognize for our own well-being and comfort. that our minds have the power to change reality into something that we like a little better. granted, this doesn't mean that our minds will tell us it's still night when it's time to get up in the morning, but the effects are there in the small things that surround us.
if our own minds can change things, what is reality? is it the world as i see it, or the world as the person right next to me sees it? or the person next to him? next to her? next to them? it's not just that we take the gift of vision for granted, but we seem to also abuse it at times. along with sight, we have been given the power of understanding. it's up to us to remember that one does not go without the other.
the very thing that is one of man's greatest attributes has contributed many times as his greatest downfall: the loss of perspective. or maybe the idea of never having it at all. we are so focused on the world as we see it from behind our own eyes that we forget the almost 7 billion other sets of eyes who are peering back at us. and majority of those eyes are one's that we will never see in our lifetimes.
i never realized this issue until i started taking a class called perception. it has actually been proven that our minds will concoct the world into a form that we can recognize for our own well-being and comfort. that our minds have the power to change reality into something that we like a little better. granted, this doesn't mean that our minds will tell us it's still night when it's time to get up in the morning, but the effects are there in the small things that surround us.
if our own minds can change things, what is reality? is it the world as i see it, or the world as the person right next to me sees it? or the person next to him? next to her? next to them? it's not just that we take the gift of vision for granted, but we seem to also abuse it at times. along with sight, we have been given the power of understanding. it's up to us to remember that one does not go without the other.
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