this is what i do at work. recommended by a friend. enjoy.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=p2HipedgM3I
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Chapter 48: Exhaustion.
have you ever been in that state of mind when you are just so utterly exhausted that it seems as if you are perpetually wading through a viscous fluid that will simply not let you get over to the water cooler and everything, even your boss's ungainly walk that you just think is weird and have surmised must be the result of some exotic childhood injury, seems hysterically funny?
that's me today. and yes, my office has a water cooler that dispenses cold, hot and room temperature water.
any suggestions on how to overcome extreme exhaustion (read: boredom) would be greatly appreciated.
that's me today. and yes, my office has a water cooler that dispenses cold, hot and room temperature water.
any suggestions on how to overcome extreme exhaustion (read: boredom) would be greatly appreciated.
Chapter 47: Bollywood!
bollywood just went mainstream! this has to be one of the proudest moments of my life.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S5OcjkXTKEQ
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S5OcjkXTKEQ
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Chapter 46: Amen.
this single-handedly made my day, nay, my week:
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. "As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
A former customer
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. "As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
A former customer
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Chapter 45: Thankful.
we always assume that if we were to ever find a purse or wallet on the street, we would return it, right? we want to believe with all our hearts that we are truly good people and that we would do the right thing if presented with the choice.
yet, i've noticed so many times when people did the wrong thing or the apathetic thing just because it was easy at the time. after all, as humans, we are creatures of convenience. we come up with ways to get places faster and easier and with the least amount of exertion possible. doesn’t charity require some kind of exertion? especially now, when time is of so much value and one’s worth in this world is determined by what and how much you can produce, doing any kind of work for nothing has become a luxury commodity.
i’ll be the first to admit that i’m not the best person that i could be. i’ve averted my eyes when on the subway and someone asks me for change. i’ve watched with horror and pity at children in third world countries who didn’t have proper water. but which of those is worse, not helping the person next to me or a child thousands of miles away? i have always been a firm believer in rousseau’s theory that humans are by nature good, but corrupted by society. if no one else looks at the guy begging on the subway, i wonder why i should.
until a few days ago. i lost my purse in my local shop rite two days ago. i spent the past two days despairing over everything that was lost, and trying in vain to find it somehow. today, i received a package in the mail from “A Child of Christ” who took the trouble to find my address and only removed the amount of money it took to send the purse back to me. i was honestly dumbfounded that someone out there cared enough about me, a person he/she has never seen and will probably never seen, in order to send me back my valuables.
thank you, A Child in Christ, for restoring my faith in humanity.
yet, i've noticed so many times when people did the wrong thing or the apathetic thing just because it was easy at the time. after all, as humans, we are creatures of convenience. we come up with ways to get places faster and easier and with the least amount of exertion possible. doesn’t charity require some kind of exertion? especially now, when time is of so much value and one’s worth in this world is determined by what and how much you can produce, doing any kind of work for nothing has become a luxury commodity.
i’ll be the first to admit that i’m not the best person that i could be. i’ve averted my eyes when on the subway and someone asks me for change. i’ve watched with horror and pity at children in third world countries who didn’t have proper water. but which of those is worse, not helping the person next to me or a child thousands of miles away? i have always been a firm believer in rousseau’s theory that humans are by nature good, but corrupted by society. if no one else looks at the guy begging on the subway, i wonder why i should.
until a few days ago. i lost my purse in my local shop rite two days ago. i spent the past two days despairing over everything that was lost, and trying in vain to find it somehow. today, i received a package in the mail from “A Child of Christ” who took the trouble to find my address and only removed the amount of money it took to send the purse back to me. i was honestly dumbfounded that someone out there cared enough about me, a person he/she has never seen and will probably never seen, in order to send me back my valuables.
thank you, A Child in Christ, for restoring my faith in humanity.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Chapter 44: Thirst quenchers
my morning bus ride always affords me with plenty of surprises. i've seen old classmates i haven't talked to since graduation, people from my hometown i never cared to see again but reveled in the fact that they’ve gotten old, and some of the most randomly assorted people i have just ever seen. nyc does have a penchant for attracting crazies, even at 7 in the morning.
none of those, however, even come close to the feat i saw about 2 days ago while riding the bus. it was a usually crowded morning, with me sitting in the far back, crushed between two guys who were trying so hard not to fall into me as the bus swerved from side to side. they failed.
swaying along to my headphones and the radio station i was listening to, i tried to see who else was on the bus with me that morning. as discreetly as possible, of course, since no one likes to be watched. to my left, by the window, a little old man sat with his back pack on his lap, staring out the window. he looked like your average little old man with graying hair that was balding in spots and somewhat old clothes.
just as i was looking at him, he reached into his bag and pulled out an entire bottle of jose cuervo tequila. yes, you read that right, tequila. he proceeded to take a long swig from the bottle and then washed it down with orange juice. i mean, it was around breakfast time and orange juice is good for you. without a qualm, he put the bottles back into his bag and continued to stare out the window, with me just staring at him.
i stayed behind to get a better look at him when the bus stopped and people started to file out. as he passed me, he gave me a huge smile and walked off the bus as if nothing had happened.
none of those, however, even come close to the feat i saw about 2 days ago while riding the bus. it was a usually crowded morning, with me sitting in the far back, crushed between two guys who were trying so hard not to fall into me as the bus swerved from side to side. they failed.
swaying along to my headphones and the radio station i was listening to, i tried to see who else was on the bus with me that morning. as discreetly as possible, of course, since no one likes to be watched. to my left, by the window, a little old man sat with his back pack on his lap, staring out the window. he looked like your average little old man with graying hair that was balding in spots and somewhat old clothes.
just as i was looking at him, he reached into his bag and pulled out an entire bottle of jose cuervo tequila. yes, you read that right, tequila. he proceeded to take a long swig from the bottle and then washed it down with orange juice. i mean, it was around breakfast time and orange juice is good for you. without a qualm, he put the bottles back into his bag and continued to stare out the window, with me just staring at him.
i stayed behind to get a better look at him when the bus stopped and people started to file out. as he passed me, he gave me a huge smile and walked off the bus as if nothing had happened.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Chapter 43: Soul mates
i met my soul mate today. her name is andrea and she is a 26 year old red-haired off-broadway actress. how do i know she is my soul mate? the barista at starbucks told us after we both ordered the exact same drink in succession: hot nonfat grande cinnamon dolce latte with no whip. (try saying that really fast. it kind of makes your head spin.)
i simply had to talk to this girl as we were waiting for our drinks because how can you not talk to your soul mate, the one person that you are supposed to be looking for essentially all your life? once we got to talking, however, it became so clear that we had absolutely nothing in common with each other. and i mean, really. there could not have been another person in that room who was more of my opposite than her. she personified the ideal new york city story of making it in the big city because she actually did leave her house after high school to become an actress in the city. i go home to the shelter of my parents every night, which includes a curfew even though i’m 21. she’s never been to college; i intend on staying in college until someone forcibly kicks me out and tells me to get on with my life. she’s rather accomplished in her field and well on her way to being even more successful. i’m still flailing in what i like to refer to as this wonderful little experiment called life. sadly, we ended up parting ways as she had to practice lines and i had to go to work. i wish her all the best in life, being my soul mate and all.
new plan: the next time i see a really hot guy at starbucks, i’m going to stand behind him, memorize his drink, and order exactly that at the same barista that he orders from. creepy? not at all! i can’t help it if i’d like an incredibly attractive soul mate!
i simply had to talk to this girl as we were waiting for our drinks because how can you not talk to your soul mate, the one person that you are supposed to be looking for essentially all your life? once we got to talking, however, it became so clear that we had absolutely nothing in common with each other. and i mean, really. there could not have been another person in that room who was more of my opposite than her. she personified the ideal new york city story of making it in the big city because she actually did leave her house after high school to become an actress in the city. i go home to the shelter of my parents every night, which includes a curfew even though i’m 21. she’s never been to college; i intend on staying in college until someone forcibly kicks me out and tells me to get on with my life. she’s rather accomplished in her field and well on her way to being even more successful. i’m still flailing in what i like to refer to as this wonderful little experiment called life. sadly, we ended up parting ways as she had to practice lines and i had to go to work. i wish her all the best in life, being my soul mate and all.
new plan: the next time i see a really hot guy at starbucks, i’m going to stand behind him, memorize his drink, and order exactly that at the same barista that he orders from. creepy? not at all! i can’t help it if i’d like an incredibly attractive soul mate!
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