a child’s imagination is one of the purest and most precious things in the world. it’s amazing to realize the possibilities that children see in the most mundane of things around them. just watch a child at play, and you can see in what magical ways his mind can work, and how he sees possibility in everything and anything. a curtain becomes a sail, a pillow becomes a boat, and a mere stripped stick becomes his only weapon against the forces of evil that are threatening humanity and all that is good.
i can faintly remember a time in my life when i could do the same. hours upon hours were spent in far away worlds and lands where there was always a happy ending. my backyard could become my own secret garden, where i was the princess adored by all. the best thing was that the story was never duplicated. the trials and tribulations of this princess changed daily, even hourly, but in the end, she was always loved and adored by her people. i wasn’t old enough to invent a prince who loved me. not yet, anyway
the one aspect of this amazing gift of children that i miss the most is that ability to see the unseen. they see purpose and necessity in simplicity. as adults, we would look at any old thing, and see garbage. they see novelty. a little girl’s favorite teddy bear and chief guest at her every tea party has just lost his leg in a serious accident with the house dog. the mother in this situation would see the need for a new bear. the little girl sees a new twist to Mr. Bear’s past that now includes a stint on a pirate ship.
i wish i hadn’t lost this ability to see the prospects in the world around me. or in myself. it seems as if the second that we lose this talent, we are forever on the search to find our very place in the world. that which was so sure to us before has become muddled and undecipherable. our every action is now driven with the purpose of finding who we are and what we are meant to accomplish in this world. there was a time when we knew who we were. i was my mommy’s daughter, my teacher’s pet, and my kingdom’s princess. and now all i see when i look in the mirror is a face of puzzlement, and eyes that always question the identity of who is looking back at them.
most people would say that at this stage in my life, i can’t pretend anymore. i have to live in this preset society. but maybe that world that i live in is one that i can make myself. not by imagining it into being, but by working for it. and maybe one day, i can again become that princess i always knew i was destined to be.
as a child, if you asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up, i would have said i wanted to save the world. i didn't even know what i wanted to save it from, i just knew that every superhero's job was to save the world. and i wanted to be a superhero so very badly.
my ideal power would have been to fly. to escape from the things that could hurt me, and to rush to the rescue of others when they were hurt. flying just seemed like the ultimate way to live out your fantasies and to be free. even as a child, i wanted to be free, to have an escape when i needed it.
the desire in me to save the world hasn't died. not yet, anyway. it comes rushing back with every frown line i see on a friend's face, with every downtrodden face i see as i walk, and even with those commercials on tv about those under privileged children in other countries. as romantic as it may sound, i just want to do something and to make a difference. to save something. to feel like my being there did something.
it's so hard to accept that i can't always change things. i feel so helpless at that idea, but i have to accept it. i can't run away from the things that make me cry, and i can't wipe away every tear that falls from the eyes of someone i love. i want so badly to help those i see who need it, but even i know my own limits. the limits that hold me back from my full potential. my superhero potential.
all i know is that i will never stop wanting to soar. and when i figure that out, i'll finally be able to save the world.
i've always imagined that being truly and completely happy is more of a physical than mental thing. that tingling of the very nerves in your fingertips from excitement as your entire body pulsates with the waves of ecstasy as you are immersed in a moment so powerful, so euphoric that you've honestly lost the power of speech as your cheeks begin to strain from the smile on your mouth that just won't stop.
i have come close to this feeling.
i wonder, though, if it was the physical characteristics of the situation that made me this happy, this alive. it could have very well been the depth of the bass that forced my own heart to beat along with it. it could have been the thousands of people, melting and swaying and pushing and shoving so inappropriately close to each other that such closeness would be called an invasion of personal space in ordinary life. it could have been the range of lights: the strobes that made you question your own vision and sense of reality, the cool blues and darkness that soothed you as you swayed, or the fire and flames that ignited something oh so much more inside of you.
it could had also been that one of the hottest men alive, travis from the gym class heroes, was within a few yards of where i stood, belting out his soul to me and only me. his electricity alone was enough to make me euphoric.
it is so incredibly easy to get lost these days. and i don't mean "we're supposed to be in california, how did we end up in north dakota" lost. just purely lost. mentally, maybe. spiritually. the oddest thing about this is that it seems as if physically, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. looking in on your life from the outside makes you think that everything is ok from that perspective, that life can actually be good.
it's the inside out that's scary.
i've heard that if you are ever caught in a crowd, you should just stick out your elbows and get carried away. unfortunately, once you reach that destination, what do you have to show for it? maybe a bruised elbow or two, but nothing more. it's so easy to get carried away with the present that the future becomes that destination. and something that you realize you are completely unprepared for.
what would you want more in this world, fame or fortune?
one of the funniest things in the world is to be an upperclassmen watching freshmen enter campus for the first time. it's not the fumbling and getting lost that's amusing, or the general sense of astonishment at seeing things they've never seen before, or even the giddiness at being away from home (read: parents) for the first time. it's the way they approach the social circles at college.
every group, regardless of how they associate themselves and each other, have a sense of a social hierarchy. this seems to be the natural order of humans to classify themselves as some being "better" or "cooler" than others. think back to kindergarten, when there were those kids with the cool lunch-boxes of the most in cartoon and the best sandwiches. didn't we all automatically associate them with that intangible status of "cool?" we all wanted to sit next to them during snack time, "sleep" next to them during naptime, and be invited to their birthday parties. why? just because. if we, as children, were capable of making these assumptions without the effects of popularity, what's to stop us from making judgments when we are older?
nothing. that's why we do it. and one day, we start hating ourselves for it.
it is most clear once you have passed a point of making these judgment calls, i.e. when you are an upperclassmen. you start noticing how freshmen will make more of an effort to talk to some older students, while ignoring others. adding certain people as facebook friends minutes after meeting them, while waiting for others to add them. i have even seen some freshmen actively introducing themselves to one person in a group, while acting with indifference to the person standing next to them and staring them down.
survival of the fittest? there must be some evolutionary reason as to why people are programmed to do this. having the most amount of a certain type of friends will get you through college? not true. the best way to get by is to not make enemies. and always remember that though you may not know who people are, they are always watching you.
i'd like to romantically say that i took this one month's hiatus to go find myself. sadly, i cannot. i'll admit that i spent one month doing things that altogether prevented me from hitting my blog tab at the top of my screen. but now i'm back, and hopefully able to tell you all about the world again. hopefully, you care.
even if i haven't changed in one month, the world surely has. that's the funny thing about it...no matter how hard you try to stand still, everything else will always continue to move...
board games were a highlight of my life when i was younger. i considered myself to be quite the connoisseur of board games, with a collection that could put anyone to shame. you name it, i probably had it. however, one of the greatest banes of my existence at the time was the fact that my sister would always beat me. it seemed to be just one of those unfair advantages of being older, but i was so angry. what about the fact that she came into this world before i did gave her the right to win every time? would her 2 years and 10 months advantage over me always make her smarter than me, better than me?
i thought that board games were merely child's play until i realized that they are really the capitalist world's way of grooming children into being able and contributing citizens of society. that is, it's the world's way of teaching children how to "play the game..."
what the hell is this game??
i've heard this phrase so many times that it doesn't even register with me anymore. but what is it! the only thing i can recognize around me are the strategic moves that people put out there, movies aimed to advantage themselves while disadvantaging others. i've noticed the poker faces of people who know what they are doing, and don't let anyone else in. i've also noticed how some people foolishly let their hands show, telling everyone and everything what they have. but what's the prize?
i'm sure there are famously pastoral poems out there that would say happiness, hope, etc. but no, there has to be something more. but i cannot figure this out! and yet i play, with no end in sight. because not playing means not living, and as long as i have breath within me, i have no choice but to live. and so i play.
i don't think that i am of the generation of students who began to learn that families come in all shapes and sizes. my picture books had a very clear blue sweater wearing father, pink dress and apron wearing mother, baseball playing timmy, and doll playing sue. and, of course, a dog named rover. all of them blond.
in this day and age, however, i've noticed that these same books now show families in all their glory and differences. there are the single parent families picnicking together, the homosexual couple taking their child and puppy for a walk, and the interracial family having dinner together, sitting across from people who may not look like them. i am in complete and utter support of such training for children because it really does prepare them for the real world. such people exist, and they will come across them. maybe not when they are 9 years old, but at some point.
the one thing that my education did not prepare me for was the differences within the families themselves. the only thing that i can assume is that others are also not prepared for this because it seems as the most intolerance i feel is from within my own family. this isn't an emo cry out for help against the oppression of my parents. this is a question posed to all those family who live thousands of miles away and who i feel are strangers to me: why?
i feel it the worst when i see other extended families getting along swimmingly. and i hate that i want it; that closeness between cousins and aunts and uncles. as much as i try to forget and tell myself that this has nothing to do with my everyday life, when it's staring at me in the face, i want so much to reach out and touch it. that nearly physical warmth that seems so genuine. i won't be selfish, i just want a taste. no matter how hard i try, i just can't get it.
