finals are an interesting time in the career of college students. it’s kind of like being tripped out for at least 2 weeks, and it’s ok because no one questions why you suddenly start laughing hysterically or why you’ve been binge eating at 3 in the morning. most of all, you are excused for saying the most outrageous comments and for speaking without thinking. after all, how are you expected to think more beyond the rigors of academic life to check that you are being a polite person?
this past finals seasons, my roommates and i had a very interesting conversation. it started out with how important grades are to each of us, and it naturally turned to sex. the question that was raised was would each of us be willing to sleep with a professor to get a good grade. surprising, some of us (not saying who) said that we would be fine with it. this was followed by would you sleep with older men to would you sleep around casually to would you sleep with someone knowing that you are the other woman and that he is in a committed relationship.
on first glance, one would assume that the answers to these questions would be automatic no's. after all, social convention attempts to teach all young girls that these are not acceptable behaviors. yet, what interested me the most was that the answers to most of these questions were "it depends." the situation, circumstances, the state of mind that each person is in, etc. it was never a concrete yes or no.
we've always been taught to be strong in our convictions and to take a stand if what we believe has been questioned. but what do we believe? how many times can we honestly say that we completely believe in one idea or the other? is there any way to classify something as completely good or bad when there are so many what if's in this world?
this doesn't make me doubt anything i believe in, but i always find that it's important to understand that the opposite of what i believe is not the enemy or the wrong. it's just a difference, something that i should keep an open mind to if i really want to learn something new now and then. it's not a lack of faith in one's own convictions that i find faulty with others; it's the presumption that what one things is so completely correct that they just can't be wrong. and these are the people who seem to be wrong the most.
there are have been countless songs and poems and ballads and stories and love notes written to eyes. the ever present window to one's soul, another person's escape, a wide expanse in which to get lost in. we choose to describe how deep eyes can be, all the while forgetting how truly limiting they are to each of us.i don't mean that the sense of sight is what limits us, but the fact that we all only see the world through one set of eyes. our own. and no one else's.
the very thing that is one of man's greatest attributes has contributed many times as his greatest downfall: the loss of perspective. or maybe the idea of never having it at all. we are so focused on the world as we see it from behind our own eyes that we forget the almost 7 billion other sets of eyes who are peering back at us. and majority of those eyes are one's that we will never see in our lifetimes.
i never realized this issue until i started taking a class called perception. it has actually been proven that our minds will concoct the world into a form that we can recognize for our own well-being and comfort. that our minds have the power to change reality into something that we like a little better. granted, this doesn't mean that our minds will tell us it's still night when it's time to get up in the morning, but the effects are there in the small things that surround us.
if our own minds can change things, what is reality? is it the world as i see it, or the world as the person right next to me sees it? or the person next to him? next to her? next to them? it's not just that we take the gift of vision for granted, but we seem to also abuse it at times. along with sight, we have been given the power of understanding. it's up to us to remember that one does not go without the other.
a child’s imagination is one of the purest and most precious things in the world. it’s amazing to realize the possibilities that children see in the most mundane of things around them. just watch a child at play, and you can see in what magical ways his mind can work, and how he sees possibility in everything and anything. a curtain becomes a sail, a pillow becomes a boat, and a mere stripped stick becomes his only weapon against the forces of evil that are threatening humanity and all that is good.
i can faintly remember a time in my life when i could do the same. hours upon hours were spent in far away worlds and lands where there was always a happy ending. my backyard could become my own secret garden, where i was the princess adored by all. the best thing was that the story was never duplicated. the trials and tribulations of this princess changed daily, even hourly, but in the end, she was always loved and adored by her people. i wasn’t old enough to invent a prince who loved me. not yet, anyway
the one aspect of this amazing gift of children that i miss the most is that ability to see the unseen. they see purpose and necessity in simplicity. as adults, we would look at any old thing, and see garbage. they see novelty. a little girl’s favorite teddy bear and chief guest at her every tea party has just lost his leg in a serious accident with the house dog. the mother in this situation would see the need for a new bear. the little girl sees a new twist to Mr. Bear’s past that now includes a stint on a pirate ship.
i wish i hadn’t lost this ability to see the prospects in the world around me. or in myself. it seems as if the second that we lose this talent, we are forever on the search to find our very place in the world. that which was so sure to us before has become muddled and undecipherable. our every action is now driven with the purpose of finding who we are and what we are meant to accomplish in this world. there was a time when we knew who we were. i was my mommy’s daughter, my teacher’s pet, and my kingdom’s princess. and now all i see when i look in the mirror is a face of puzzlement, and eyes that always question the identity of who is looking back at them.
most people would say that at this stage in my life, i can’t pretend anymore. i have to live in this preset society. but maybe that world that i live in is one that i can make myself. not by imagining it into being, but by working for it. and maybe one day, i can again become that princess i always knew i was destined to be.
as a child, if you asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up, i would have said i wanted to save the world. i didn't even know what i wanted to save it from, i just knew that every superhero's job was to save the world. and i wanted to be a superhero so very badly.
my ideal power would have been to fly. to escape from the things that could hurt me, and to rush to the rescue of others when they were hurt. flying just seemed like the ultimate way to live out your fantasies and to be free. even as a child, i wanted to be free, to have an escape when i needed it.
the desire in me to save the world hasn't died. not yet, anyway. it comes rushing back with every frown line i see on a friend's face, with every downtrodden face i see as i walk, and even with those commercials on tv about those under privileged children in other countries. as romantic as it may sound, i just want to do something and to make a difference. to save something. to feel like my being there did something.
it's so hard to accept that i can't always change things. i feel so helpless at that idea, but i have to accept it. i can't run away from the things that make me cry, and i can't wipe away every tear that falls from the eyes of someone i love. i want so badly to help those i see who need it, but even i know my own limits. the limits that hold me back from my full potential. my superhero potential.
all i know is that i will never stop wanting to soar. and when i figure that out, i'll finally be able to save the world.
i've always imagined that being truly and completely happy is more of a physical than mental thing. that tingling of the very nerves in your fingertips from excitement as your entire body pulsates with the waves of ecstasy as you are immersed in a moment so powerful, so euphoric that you've honestly lost the power of speech as your cheeks begin to strain from the smile on your mouth that just won't stop.
i have come close to this feeling.
i wonder, though, if it was the physical characteristics of the situation that made me this happy, this alive. it could have very well been the depth of the bass that forced my own heart to beat along with it. it could have been the thousands of people, melting and swaying and pushing and shoving so inappropriately close to each other that such closeness would be called an invasion of personal space in ordinary life. it could have been the range of lights: the strobes that made you question your own vision and sense of reality, the cool blues and darkness that soothed you as you swayed, or the fire and flames that ignited something oh so much more inside of you.
it could had also been that one of the hottest men alive, travis from the gym class heroes, was within a few yards of where i stood, belting out his soul to me and only me. his electricity alone was enough to make me euphoric.
it is so incredibly easy to get lost these days. and i don't mean "we're supposed to be in california, how did we end up in north dakota" lost. just purely lost. mentally, maybe. spiritually. the oddest thing about this is that it seems as if physically, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. looking in on your life from the outside makes you think that everything is ok from that perspective, that life can actually be good.
it's the inside out that's scary.
i've heard that if you are ever caught in a crowd, you should just stick out your elbows and get carried away. unfortunately, once you reach that destination, what do you have to show for it? maybe a bruised elbow or two, but nothing more. it's so easy to get carried away with the present that the future becomes that destination. and something that you realize you are completely unprepared for.
what would you want more in this world, fame or fortune?
one of the funniest things in the world is to be an upperclassmen watching freshmen enter campus for the first time. it's not the fumbling and getting lost that's amusing, or the general sense of astonishment at seeing things they've never seen before, or even the giddiness at being away from home (read: parents) for the first time. it's the way they approach the social circles at college.
every group, regardless of how they associate themselves and each other, have a sense of a social hierarchy. this seems to be the natural order of humans to classify themselves as some being "better" or "cooler" than others. think back to kindergarten, when there were those kids with the cool lunch-boxes of the most in cartoon and the best sandwiches. didn't we all automatically associate them with that intangible status of "cool?" we all wanted to sit next to them during snack time, "sleep" next to them during naptime, and be invited to their birthday parties. why? just because. if we, as children, were capable of making these assumptions without the effects of popularity, what's to stop us from making judgments when we are older?
nothing. that's why we do it. and one day, we start hating ourselves for it.
it is most clear once you have passed a point of making these judgment calls, i.e. when you are an upperclassmen. you start noticing how freshmen will make more of an effort to talk to some older students, while ignoring others. adding certain people as facebook friends minutes after meeting them, while waiting for others to add them. i have even seen some freshmen actively introducing themselves to one person in a group, while acting with indifference to the person standing next to them and staring them down.
survival of the fittest? there must be some evolutionary reason as to why people are programmed to do this. having the most amount of a certain type of friends will get you through college? not true. the best way to get by is to not make enemies. and always remember that though you may not know who people are, they are always watching you.
i'd like to romantically say that i took this one month's hiatus to go find myself. sadly, i cannot. i'll admit that i spent one month doing things that altogether prevented me from hitting my blog tab at the top of my screen. but now i'm back, and hopefully able to tell you all about the world again. hopefully, you care.
even if i haven't changed in one month, the world surely has. that's the funny thing about it...no matter how hard you try to stand still, everything else will always continue to move...
