in this day and age, everyone is trying to find themselves in one way or another. it could be through taking up a new activity like meditating, trying new things, or even pulling the ultimate act of leaving everything behind and traveling the world. all this effort is put into finding oneself. there are countless self help books, tapes, videos (does anyone use those anymore?), DVDs, etc dedicated to this pursuit.
after having survived through 23 years of this grand speck we call earth, i've come across this idea a lot. and to be honest, i have no idea what it means. it's the kind of situation where i know words are there and they are clearly in english, but i have no idea what they mean. i can't even fathom where i would begin such a search. and yet, in everything, everywhere, every one is telling me that i should know myself before i can start things in like, like a new job or relationship.
this is the conundrum that i find myself in now. apparently, i can't "give" myself to someone else because i don't know who i am. well, i know my name and my address. i know my age and my favorite color. i know that i love peanut butter twix bars and hate ice cream. i know that i don't believe in aliens but i do believe in second chances. these and countless other things i know, and yet, i'm being told that i don't know who i am. and therefore, i must take the time to do this.
i think it's really amusing that i've only heard of people leaving on soul searching journeys. i've never heard of someone coming back from one. if you know of someone who has done, can you refer them to this page, please? i'd love to hear that their soul is all about.
Showing posts with label character. Show all posts
Showing posts with label character. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, July 27, 2009
Chapter 72: You should be a judge...
apparently, i have a very judging look about me. i attribute this to my very large indian eyes that show more expression than they should. i could be merely looking at someone, and that someone accuses me of judging them. is it my fault that i just happened to be looking at you as you took your 9th shot of the night, and stumbled away from the bar only to introduce your face to the beer covered floor? nope, definitely not judging you.
it appears to me that it's not my judgment that people are truly worried about. how many times has the following thoughts gone through your mind when you're, let's just say, in the elevator?
"oh dear, that woman is looking at me. why is she looking at me? shit, it's this shirt. i knew it was too tight. damn it, i could fit into it last week. what the hell happened? what did i eat? i need to lose 10 pounds. ugh and it doesn't match with this skirt, does it? i should have worn pants. shit, she's still looking."
meanwhile, that woman happens to be thinking:
"crap, i have so much to do today. shit, why is that woman looking at me..."
yea, guess what? as a very good friend's mother puts it, sadly, "no one really cares about you that much." except you, of course.
so is it really about me? or have i merely been looking at a person at the exact moment when he/she (oh yes, apparently my judgment extends to men, as well) is judging him/herself with the utmost scrutiny? we know how hard we are on ourselves, so God-forbid that some other person happens to peak in on this self-flagellation or (gasp!) agree with us. what would we truly do at that point when our worst fears are confirmed, as apparently some seem to think that my look is doing. i am not at all immune to this behavior because those who judge others are even better at judging themselves.
when did the word judgment become so negative? there are many times that i find myself judging some one's positive attributes, like a great pair of shoes or the way someone walks with so much confidence. rather than focusing on what i'm not, i think i'm going to try to focus on what i am, and make sure that what i am is great.
it appears to me that it's not my judgment that people are truly worried about. how many times has the following thoughts gone through your mind when you're, let's just say, in the elevator?
"oh dear, that woman is looking at me. why is she looking at me? shit, it's this shirt. i knew it was too tight. damn it, i could fit into it last week. what the hell happened? what did i eat? i need to lose 10 pounds. ugh and it doesn't match with this skirt, does it? i should have worn pants. shit, she's still looking."
meanwhile, that woman happens to be thinking:
"crap, i have so much to do today. shit, why is that woman looking at me..."
yea, guess what? as a very good friend's mother puts it, sadly, "no one really cares about you that much." except you, of course.
so is it really about me? or have i merely been looking at a person at the exact moment when he/she (oh yes, apparently my judgment extends to men, as well) is judging him/herself with the utmost scrutiny? we know how hard we are on ourselves, so God-forbid that some other person happens to peak in on this self-flagellation or (gasp!) agree with us. what would we truly do at that point when our worst fears are confirmed, as apparently some seem to think that my look is doing. i am not at all immune to this behavior because those who judge others are even better at judging themselves.
when did the word judgment become so negative? there are many times that i find myself judging some one's positive attributes, like a great pair of shoes or the way someone walks with so much confidence. rather than focusing on what i'm not, i think i'm going to try to focus on what i am, and make sure that what i am is great.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Chapter 70: God laughs.
i am a firm believer in agendas and organization. i've never been able to get anything done in my life without a constant reminder of the things i need to do next. this craze started in high school when our school district decided to give out free agendas. i was so hooked on mine that is a task wasn't written down, it wouldn't be done. it was as simple as that.
even now, my room is filled with dry erase boards, chalk boards, and cork boards while my computer has a post-it app - all to remind me of the things i need to do in life. until now, my life has been perfectly planned out, nearly down to the minute, and all these amenities helped me to stay on task with that goal.
until now, that is. it's completely alarming when suddenly, all those carefully laid plans have disintegrated. all that time i spent in even making the lists and reminders seems like wasted time when my plans have to change. it's not about being inflexible, it's about being prepared. despite how much one may do to prepare for the worst and for everything that could possibly go bad, there is always something that is forgotten. and it will be that exact something that comes up.
then again, maybe this is explains more about me than i thought. i never had an interest in math because a+b=c. always. there was never a day when a+b equaled x, or b could take a break while k took its place. i preferred english because multiple choice exams, the exam of choice for those who like predictability, were my downfall. i excelled at exam essays because any answer was right, as long as it's supported.
perhaps predictably isn't in my nature, and therefore, not in my life. rather than making lists and plans for life, i should just live. as they say, we make plans and God laughs.
even now, my room is filled with dry erase boards, chalk boards, and cork boards while my computer has a post-it app - all to remind me of the things i need to do in life. until now, my life has been perfectly planned out, nearly down to the minute, and all these amenities helped me to stay on task with that goal.
until now, that is. it's completely alarming when suddenly, all those carefully laid plans have disintegrated. all that time i spent in even making the lists and reminders seems like wasted time when my plans have to change. it's not about being inflexible, it's about being prepared. despite how much one may do to prepare for the worst and for everything that could possibly go bad, there is always something that is forgotten. and it will be that exact something that comes up.
then again, maybe this is explains more about me than i thought. i never had an interest in math because a+b=c. always. there was never a day when a+b equaled x, or b could take a break while k took its place. i preferred english because multiple choice exams, the exam of choice for those who like predictability, were my downfall. i excelled at exam essays because any answer was right, as long as it's supported.
perhaps predictably isn't in my nature, and therefore, not in my life. rather than making lists and plans for life, i should just live. as they say, we make plans and God laughs.
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