Chapter 70: God laughs.

i am a firm believer in agendas and organization. i've never been able to get anything done in my life without a constant reminder of the things i need to do next. this craze started in high school when our school district decided to give out free agendas. i was so hooked on mine that is a task wasn't written down, it wouldn't be done. it was as simple as that.

even now, my room is filled with dry erase boards, chalk boards, and cork boards while my computer has a post-it app - all to remind me of the things i need to do in life. until now, my life has been perfectly planned out, nearly down to the minute, and all these amenities helped me to stay on task with that goal.

until now, that is. it's completely alarming when suddenly, all those carefully laid plans have disintegrated. all that time i spent in even making the lists and reminders seems like wasted time when my plans have to change. it's not about being inflexible, it's about being prepared. despite how much one may do to prepare for the worst and for everything that could possibly go bad, there is always something that is forgotten. and it will be that exact something that comes up.

then again, maybe this is explains more about me than i thought. i never had an interest in math because a+b=c. always. there was never a day when a+b equaled x, or b could take a break while k took its place. i preferred english because multiple choice exams, the exam of choice for those who like predictability, were my downfall. i excelled at exam essays because any answer was right, as long as it's supported.

perhaps predictably isn't in my nature, and therefore, not in my life. rather than making lists and plans for life, i should just live. as they say, we make plans and God laughs.

Chapter 66: Almost.

i hate the word "almost." to me, it's the equivalent of a kick in the crotch AFTER getting a right hook to the face and subsequent black eye. not only is the fact that you didn't get something being referenced, but it's also saying that you would have gotten what it is you wanted... except you didn't.

almost doesn't really make anything better so no one should be allowed to say it. to say that one "almost won a prize" essentially means that he or she didn't win. wasn't that the objective? it's wasn't to be in second place, but to be in first. there are really no compromises in that arena: the opposite of winning is losing, not almost winning.

Chapter 54: Umbrellas

i was caught in a freak storm yesterday in nyc as i walked to the bus terminal to go home. it was one of those classic, couldn't-be-real-so-it-must-be-a-movie storms that came out of nowhere, sending everyone running under scaffolding and transforming the daily newspapers into useless forms of protection. i'm fairly certain that somewhere in the city, a fabulously dressed man and woman managed to share a space under a platform, and are now in love.

luckily for me, i had my one-person umbrella which i pulled out smartly to preserve my outfit (in nyc, this is a concern). but if anyone has been in new york during any kind of storm, you know that precipitation doesn't fall straight down. it goes up, right, left, around corners, even results in minor tornadoes that whip broadway show flyers and random receipts into your eyes as you try to avoid running into oncoming traffic. and my outfit? don't worry, all splattered with splotches of rain.

i stubbornly held on to the umbrella, though. despite it's very obvious ineffectiveness, i refused to put it away. i preferred to struggle against both the elements and the canvas/metal contraption that i had in my hands. like so many things in my life, i held on to something that was supposed to protect me and obviously didn't. why did i think that because it promised to protect me, it would? even after i knew it wouldn't.

after a few minutes of arguing with myself, i put away the umbrella and enjoyed the weather. hair whipping around my face, clothes getting more and more soaked, i strolled through the storm, totally comfortable, completely fine. and not having to deal with so called protective resources. i just needed myself.

Chapter 53: Time. Or lack thereof.

the generation of "the rules" is actually before mine, but the aftershocks seem to have seeped their way into the present. these "rules" were a code that all women should follow in order to not only bag themselves a man, but a husband.

one of the key components of these rules was how to use time effectively. for example, one should never call a member of the opposite sex the day after he/she met him/her. wait. and they will come to you. or the classic concept of wait before engaging in any activities too soon, for this will not only guarantee that you will not find yourself a husband, but that you also happen to be a whore.

the main point behind the rules is to take things slowly and carefully, using prudence along each step of the courting process. only by careful observation and judgment can one land the goal that everyone appears to be pursuing: true love.

so what happened to the days of yore when "love at first sight" and "head over heels" were the mantras of those who were willing to engage in the games of love? every great love story starts with that sighting across the room of someone so captivating you think she's an angel, of the glint in one's eye that makes you want to know more, of that soft laugh that makes you yearn to be the one that made that witty comment. we've all learned and celebrated the classic tale of romeo and juliet, whose love started in this way, but why don't we practice that anymore?

there are many skeptics out there who claim that this is lust at first sight, which it is for some people. but let's not forget that the initial attraction is what leads to more, and upon looking at someone, what more do you have to go on but their appearance and mode of carrying themselves? but lust cannot be equated with the concept of wanting to know more about a person.

i've been in a situation where i met someone and instantly wanted to know who he was, through and through. what made him laugh, cry, what he thought of the educational system in america, what foods he preferred over others. lust would have made me wanted to know other things, not what his opinions are on the upcoming elections. i'm not saying that i fell in love at that moment, but that excitement of realizing that this was someone who i could like a lot more was beyond exhilarating. and something we need to bring back into vogue.

Chapter 51: Letters to words to sentences to meaning

if anyone has ever spent 10 minutes with me, they know that i am a rather prolific texter. spurred from my love of the written language and my parents incessant need to use up all of our shared minutes, i'm one of those people for whom the cell phone has become another appendage, one that's never too far from my fingers. at any one time, i could be having a multitude of conversations, all while checking email or watching tv.

i've also noticed, however, that i am more inclined to type out a message rather than actually call a person and tell them the message. is this wrong? i've heard a lot of people say that this can be a really impersonal way of communicating with others since i'm apparently avoiding personal contact. but this, to me, is personal. knowing that my medium of choice is the written word and this is the best way for me to communicate, shouldn't someone be flattered that my fingers flew about the keyboard as the t9 frantically assigned all the words i demanded of it, just to tell someone a message from my heart?

i guess people fear that with the advancement of technology and science, we'll lose our humanity. that we'll settle for interfacing rather than communicating, or cyber-anthings instead of touch. especially with advent of multi player worlds where avatars become someone and the physical human never has to leave his home, i can see why people would fear this.

but i look at it as a godsend. when i'm lying in bed at 3 in the morning, wishing that someone was near me, don't i reach for my phone to text them a simple "i love you"? and when that person wakes up in the morning and checks his phone, he'll see that i was thinking of him at that time and simply could not wait until dawn to give him that message.

and what about all those friends i've made in college who have been flung to the far reaches of the world? gchat and aim help me to know that they're doing well, loving their new job, and met a fabulous person they're going to have coffee with next week at a time when i'll be sound asleep on this part of the world.

this anti-social medium has turned me into a much more social person. what seems impersonal is, in fact, what keeps things personal in my life.

Chapter 1: Literary.

i've always wanted to be a literary person. you know, one of those cool, all back wearing, scarves in the summertime, black eye-linered, cafe inhabiting individuals who just exude the essence of all that is... hip. alas, this has not happened to me. partially because being literary also means that i have to write, which i seemed to have forgotten along the way.

i realized that basically, until now, i have been a poser, and one of the worst kinds. not only did i dress and make-up and eye line the part of someone i was not, but i also earned the respect of the spectators around me who thought i was a rather respectable being who actually did write. and possibly wrote well. sorry to disappoint, but not really. all that typing you saw? yea, that was me on aim.

but i believe that i can be a new age literary: one who actually does write. now, i'm not accusing any of the quintessential literary types of being posers, but honestly, if i could do it, anyone could. and all that time i used to spend looking the part, i'm now going to focus on doing the part. sort of.

so let's see if this works out, right? i mean, as my mom would, say, "i can try."