Chapter 79: Who are you?

in this day and age, everyone is trying to find themselves in one way or another. it could be through taking up a new activity like meditating, trying new things, or even pulling the ultimate act of leaving everything behind and traveling the world. all this effort is put into finding oneself. there are countless self help books, tapes, videos (does anyone use those anymore?), DVDs, etc dedicated to this pursuit.

after having survived through 23 years of this grand speck we call earth, i've come across this idea a lot. and to be honest, i have no idea what it means. it's the kind of situation where i know words are there and they are clearly in english, but i have no idea what they mean. i can't even fathom where i would begin such a search. and yet, in everything, everywhere, every one is telling me that i should know myself before i can start things in like, like a new job or relationship.

this is the conundrum that i find myself in now. apparently, i can't "give" myself to someone else because i don't know who i am. well, i know my name and my address. i know my age and my favorite color. i know that i love peanut butter twix bars and hate ice cream. i know that i don't believe in aliens but i do believe in second chances. these and countless other things i know, and yet, i'm being told that i don't know who i am. and therefore, i must take the time to do this.

i think it's really amusing that i've only heard of people leaving on soul searching journeys. i've never heard of someone coming back from one. if you know of someone who has done, can you refer them to this page, please? i'd love to hear that their soul is all about.

Chapter 78: Work!

i have been particularly lacking in the blog posts as of late due to my new job! it's been almost two weeks since i started this job (wow, time flies), and all i can say is that i have never been more thankful for this opportunity. in this time of economic and personal downfall, saying that one loves her job is truly a luxury, but one that i am so lucky to have. sure, the commute might be exhausting and the idea of truly being in the real world a pain, but i am one of the few who get to walk into her office with a genuine smile on my face.

now back to our scheduled programming.

Chapter 75: The first day of the rest of my life.

i hate this saying. i've heard it in so many speeches and read it in cards and i'm tired of it. who determined that everything done before that day was worthless?

i remember it most clearly being said on the day of my high school graduation. some dignitary or another said this line in his recycled speech that he used every year. i sat there and realized i was highly insulted. the rest of my life was to be determined by what i had done so far, so how could i forget it so quickly

isn't it better to remember where it is that we come from? granted, there are certain things in my own past that i don't care to revisit, but those have made me who i am. and keeps me remembering who i don't want to be.

Chapter 74: A change in the winds

when i was around 7 years old, i got lost in my local supermarket. i went in with my mother and somehow, my attention was diverted towards an object that must have been shiny or pink or both and i wandered away. upon looking back, my mother was gone, along with any sense of familiarity with my surroundings. the dairy aisle become a foreboding land and i did what anyone would have done in that situation: i started to cry and wandered around until i saw the light of the open door.

well, don't worry, my mother found me and i was all safe again because i knew where i was and where i was going. it's interesting how much security we get from knowing what comes next in life. recently, i've lost that sense of security as i've wandered through aisles of classifieds and job postings, trying to figure out where i'm going.

things have changed today, and certainly for the better. there is once again a purpose to my life, a direction in which i'm going. and it feels amazing to know where tomorrow will lead.

Chapter 73: The last page of a book

i've never believed in looking at the last page of a book until i've earned it. i should not be allowed to know the final outcome without having poured over each page, each sentence, each plot twist or dragging monologue. my reward for all of it is the end, the finale, the point when everything finally comes together and there is a bigger picture that i can finally see. i've always kept this rule with the utmost severity.

but only with books. i've found that in nearly every other aspect of the life, i either don't care about the ending or find that i might prefer to know what's going to happen. maybe it's a way to prepare myself; i'm not sure. with movies, for example, i might sometimes like to know the ending so that i can pick out the nuances that point to that outcome that are inevitable embedded within the plot. i like to predict.

the one place that i'm dying for a peek into the future is the one place i can't get it. then again, that's the funny thing about life.

Chapter 72: You should be a judge...

apparently, i have a very judging look about me. i attribute this to my very large indian eyes that show more expression than they should. i could be merely looking at someone, and that someone accuses me of judging them. is it my fault that i just happened to be looking at you as you took your 9th shot of the night, and stumbled away from the bar only to introduce your face to the beer covered floor? nope, definitely not judging you.

it appears to me that it's not my judgment that people are truly worried about. how many times has the following thoughts gone through your mind when you're, let's just say, in the elevator?
"oh dear, that woman is looking at me. why is she looking at me? shit, it's this shirt. i knew it was too tight. damn it, i could fit into it last week. what the hell happened? what did i eat? i need to lose 10 pounds. ugh and it doesn't match with this skirt, does it? i should have worn pants. shit, she's still looking."

meanwhile, that woman happens to be thinking:
"crap, i have so much to do today. shit, why is that woman looking at me..."

yea, guess what? as a very good friend's mother puts it, sadly, "no one really cares about you that much." except you, of course.

so is it really about me? or have i merely been looking at a person at the exact moment when he/she (oh yes, apparently my judgment extends to men, as well) is judging him/herself with the utmost scrutiny? we know how hard we are on ourselves, so God-forbid that some other person happens to peak in on this self-flagellation or (gasp!) agree with us. what would we truly do at that point when our worst fears are confirmed, as apparently some seem to think that my look is doing. i am not at all immune to this behavior because those who judge others are even better at judging themselves.

when did the word judgment become so negative? there are many times that i find myself judging some one's positive attributes, like a great pair of shoes or the way someone walks with so much confidence. rather than focusing on what i'm not, i think i'm going to try to focus on what i am, and make sure that what i am is great.

Chapter 71: The wind in my hair

when i was in the fifth grade, i was a master bike rider. i was no lance armstrong, but i was pretty awesome. i had a red, six speed bike and i could literally ride it anywhere but inside my house. the driveway, side walk, street, lawn, up grassy knolls, down steep piles of dirt made by the construction on the house down the street. i love the feeling of being able to ride anywhere.

most of all, however, it was my time to think. this was when i could be alone and think about all the troubles that i was having. you might be wondering to yourself, "what on earth could possibly trouble a fifth grader?" many many things. we like to think of our childhood as simpler time; however, we were just as stressed out back then as we are today. that which troubled us during our childhood doesn't seem very important now because we hold it to the standards that we have today, but is it fair to compare the two? ok so maybe the fact that i hadn't seen titanic yet when everyone else in my class had already seen it twice doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was. my friends would move away to talk about it, i was always out of the conversation, my teachers even made references to the movie while teaching that i didn't understand. leo and kate were these really cool people who everyone knew but me, and i was made sure of that fact. i was ostracized, something difficult for a fifth grader to deal with.

regardless, all of these problems would be mulled over while on my bike. i could ride as fast as i wanted and imagine the worry blown out of my mind and out through my flowing hair behind me. the faster i sped, the farther i could get away. away from fifth grade politics and lanyard bracelet wars and my lack of capris. and it always worked. i came back from all of that just fine. i survived the fifth grade, and it seems as if bike riding was my answer.

i recently took up bike riding again and it felt like i was back in elementary school. i felt so free and light on it that i didn't want to get off, exactly like the old days. maybe this is the key to my stress relief and my fifth grade had it right. take some time, ride like the wind, and leave all my troubles behind. it's a theory that i am very willing to test out.

Chapter 70: God laughs.

i am a firm believer in agendas and organization. i've never been able to get anything done in my life without a constant reminder of the things i need to do next. this craze started in high school when our school district decided to give out free agendas. i was so hooked on mine that is a task wasn't written down, it wouldn't be done. it was as simple as that.

even now, my room is filled with dry erase boards, chalk boards, and cork boards while my computer has a post-it app - all to remind me of the things i need to do in life. until now, my life has been perfectly planned out, nearly down to the minute, and all these amenities helped me to stay on task with that goal.

until now, that is. it's completely alarming when suddenly, all those carefully laid plans have disintegrated. all that time i spent in even making the lists and reminders seems like wasted time when my plans have to change. it's not about being inflexible, it's about being prepared. despite how much one may do to prepare for the worst and for everything that could possibly go bad, there is always something that is forgotten. and it will be that exact something that comes up.

then again, maybe this is explains more about me than i thought. i never had an interest in math because a+b=c. always. there was never a day when a+b equaled x, or b could take a break while k took its place. i preferred english because multiple choice exams, the exam of choice for those who like predictability, were my downfall. i excelled at exam essays because any answer was right, as long as it's supported.

perhaps predictably isn't in my nature, and therefore, not in my life. rather than making lists and plans for life, i should just live. as they say, we make plans and God laughs.