Chapter 13: Sorry, you're going to hell.

the university of pennsylvania (penn) is known for its really beautiful campus. walking down locust walk as the flowers bloom and the cool winds gently sway the budding trees is one of the greatest things about going to this school. i can always tell when summer starts: people laughing and talking as they sit outside on college green with their lunches, professors making exceptions to rules to teach under the shade, and the crazy man thundering in the middle of the walk to all who will listen, all the while condemning all non-white non-catholics to the depths of hell. peaceful, no?

ask any penn student, and he/she will tell you of this man. as soon as the weather is just right, he comes in the morning, sets up his little placards, and gets to work denouncing everyone in sight. most people just keep walking right past, a look of outrage on their face when they hear what he says. but usually, that outrage quickly subsides once he is out of ear shot. a brave few will attempt to argue with this man, explaining how many of the greatest achievements of man were created out of diversity, but this tends to get pretty ugly. after all, the only way to deal with a man so in love with his own voice is to raise your voice a bit higher. and higher. and higher. until you and he are screaming.

despite how people react to him, and the reaction is always the same, he never fails to come out there and attempt his re-education of the masses. i'm sure that at some point, someone tried to remove him from the spot, but he changed his cries to, "the first amendment allows me to stand right here!" then the police men who glared at him slowly faded away, then the human activists, then the bums, then the people who were remotely interested, until all you have left is him.

the only thing that worries me about this entire situation are the people who walk by with indifference, shouting louder into their cell phones so their friend can hear about last night's drunken escapades. after all, "the other kind of evil we must fear most is the indifference of good men." i've come to find that once you start ignoring the little things, you move on to the medium ones, slowly working your way up to the biggest of them all. then it takes the death of 1.5 million children at the hands of the nazis to shock people into attention again.

i am comforted by those who stop and fight, who risk being late to chemistry again just to tell that man off. i am also comforted by the looks of outrage that i see on faces as they past by because at least realizing the wrong in something is just as important as fighting against it.

Chapter 12: Smile.

sometimes it seems as if the entire day, the world just pushes down on the corners of your mouth, making sure you don't smile.

i'm convinced that i can tell when i'm going to have a bad day. some portent or another will reveal itself to me, and even though i may not know it at the time, this is the foreshadowing of something bigger coming. i started believing in this in 6th grade. one morning as i got ready for school, i sliced my hand open with the worst paper cut i have ever had. with blood streaming down my arm, i went to school, where later that day, i got in trouble with the principal for something i didn't do.

today was one of those days. i came into work feeling awful and cold and sick, but i came in anyway. and then it seemed as if nothing was going well for me, as if everything had suddenly decided it was against me. the fax machine, the air conditioning, the computer, nothing was cooperating. i should have known that this was sign of some sort, but as usual, i didn't see it coming.

and then my sister called and told me that my cousin was dying.
i don't think any sign could have prepared me for that.

Chapter 11: The Stock Market.

i've recently become interested in the stock market. after all, who wouldn't be considering the very idea of investing? the idea that you can make money just by spending money wisely is, well, intoxicating. and yes yes, i know, there's far more to it that just that. there is research and considerations and preparation. blah blah boring blah. i'm ready to take some risks, baby!

interestingly enough, one of my closest friends and i recently had a conversation about risks. who takes them and who doesn't? after all, everything in life has a value, and every decision made is an investment. some are very minor, like what should i wear this morning? but think about it. if you put the time in to dress carefully, your output could be higher, but you are losing those initial resources of time and energy. and don't be fooled by anyone; it did take energy to put that outfit together that she supposedly threw on.

but then there are other decisions, other investments. ones where the outcome is the most important return of all: your happiness. should you invest in that career that may not pay so much, but it's what you love to do? or should you go for that 6-figure starting salary, knowing that you'll live comfortably?

thinking about this more, though, i realized that it's not so simple as these two decisions. sacrificing my own well being for money is settling to me, conforming to standards set by a illusioned society. but i also can't escape the fact that i am a product of that same society. one that teaches me that i need manolo blahniks to be a truly successful woman. and i want these comforts. but again, not at the expense of me.

where does this leave me? unhappy. i will always want more and expect more of myself because that's the kind of person i am. i will also take those risks that could bring me happiness. after all, big risks mean bigger rewards, right? but not all the time. not even half the time. (cue statistician to tell me the exact number.) the only guarantee is that every time i don't win, i lose something. there will then be those people who don't take those risks, settle with what they have, and lose nothing. so who really is the smarter person here?

i know i won't change. this is who i am, and i've come to accept this part of my personality. all i can do now is make a few decisions, a few investments and see where that puts me. as for the real stock market, i think i'll stick with some mutual funds here and there before playing with the big leagues of real stocks. but trust me, i'll get there.

Chapter 10: Politics.

i'll be the first one to admit that i don't follow politics as much as i should. unfortunately, this leads to the inevitable outcome of me not knowing who the candidates are come election day, and thus, me not voting for lack of sufficient information. don't worry, received enough lectures for this behavior from my politically-savvy friends.

as talks about the next presidential election arise, i again find myself not knowing who the candidates are. however, something did catch my attention: the following excerpt from an interview between sean hannity, of fox news, and mitt romney, republican presidential candidate.

hannity: word association game. you ready? one word, best adjective for a lot of the people that you’re competing against. just whatever comes to your mind.
romney: sporting. great guys.
hannity: all of them?
romney: it’s a good group. it really is.
hannity: senator mccain.
romney: friend. american hero. i’m not going to give you one word but friend.
hannity: rudy?
romney: strength in a time of real crisis.
hannity: newt gingrich.
romney: brilliant. wonderful idea generator.
hannity: fred thompson.
romney: you know, i don’t know fred terribly well. i watch him on “law & order”, but he always seems to have the right answer.
hannity: good answer. hillary clinton.
romney: misguided.
hannity: barack obama.
romney: inexperienced.
hannity: john edwards.
romney: two americas. and he’s wrong. there’s one america.
hannity: dick cheney.
romney: strength, resolve, maturity.
hannity: george bush?
romney: great heart. great character. a man of passion and integrity.

it's not difficult to see from this interview who the democrats and the republicans are. according to romney, democrats = bad, republicans = good. and that's it. there's no grey area to be seen. this instantly reminded me of the psych/sociology experiments done at harvard (https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/, if you'd like to try them). the researchers are trying to figure out the implicit biases that people have by showing them an image, and then telling them to decide if the image is "good" or "bad." it seems as if romney has developed the same reflex mechanism when it comes to politics.

even for someone who doesn't follow politics, this is alarming. do candidates not have any complexity to them at all? or are they just everything that their political party requires them to be? i have always thought that is human nature to judge others. everyone does it, whether they admit it or not. but to judge someone based on such superficial methods seems a little drastic to me.

but i have done it. unfortunately. this makes me wonder, have others judged me based on the one characteristic they head about me? probably. but what was that one thing? it could have been physical: that my hair is straight and black, that i'm 5'5", that i wear too much black (as my mother says). it could have been my personality: that i'm ridiculously awkward, that i stare too intently at people when they're talking to me, that i laugh by throwing my head back (those who know me, yea, you've seen it). so what was it? what made that one person decide right then and there that i was either worth his/her time, or completely unworthy of their consideration? obviously, i can't control what people think of me and my ways, but i am worried that i will miss out on some great experiences in life because someone judged me too quickly. all i can do is try not to do the same to others, and hope that i'm not judged too harshly.

all of this talk of politics and judgement has led to me to just one question:
is there really a "law and order" actor running for president? wow.

Chapter 9: Hi, this is Sherene. I'm not feeling well today...

last wednesday, i called out sick from my job. naturally, i wasn't sick at all, but i did it anyway.

it was a combination of staying up late the night before catching up on episodes of "the office," seasonal allergies beginning to kick in a bit (this is the truth), and my bed was really warm. i thought these were all valid reasons for calling out.

is that even acceptable? to take a day off just for yourself? by conventional standards, no. how dare anyone decide that this day be theirs, and theirs alone. when one enters the "real world," his/her life no longer belongs to just him or her. her life is now the property of everyone else around her: the boss who tells her what to do, the co-workers for whom she must watch television the night before so she can keep up with their coffee conversations, the weatherman who tells her what to wear.

and don't lag behind, dear! keeping up is basically what the game is all about. which is what i find myself doing. and thank goodness, as in any game, there are cheat codes. have your work on screen somewhere so that when your boss walks by, she doesn't see you updating your blog. as soon as you get to your desk, go to any news site and look at the highlights from last night's tv. after all, tv shows seem to be covered more than, oh i don't know, a war, let's say? and screw the weatherman. but you might be uncomfortably too hot or too cold, depending on just how you screwed him. and keep an umbrella in your over-sized purse at all times because you don't need to get wet to make a statement.

Chapter 8: The trials of a 20-year-old.

life sucks when you're not 21. trust me, i know. i'm 20.

being 20-years-old means that i'm in limbo. i'm given responsibilities, but i'm still treated like a child. i'm on my own, but i'm a student. and the age old inequality, i can fight in a war, but i definitely can't drink.

the worst of all is being 20-years-old in philadelphia in the summer. i'm taking classes and working, yes, but my weekends and nights tend to be free. what do all able-bodied adults do on free nights and weekends? they go out.

out for me means center city. it means getting all glammed up in costumes of desire and intrigue that make me, for one night, someone else. the mysterious girl by the bar who's kohl-lined eyes are half covered by her dark hair, but whose big eyes are watching intently. the bubbly girl who's the life of the party, dressed impeccably in the latest outfits, and who everyone wants to be and be with. i'm not saying i ever am one of these girls (trust me, i'm not), but i can try. out means hailing a cab ever so smoothly, and getting one every time. out means dancing, laughing, having a great time with friends while trying to talk up the cute guy who's over there with his friends. think sex and the city, and that's what out means to me.

except when you're 20. then none of this matters. i'm too old for frat parties, unless i want to be a frat groupie, which, um, no, thank you. and i'm too young to go downtown. take last saturday.

my friends and i had nothing to do, so we decided to go to byblos, located near rittenhouse in philly. it's a popular hookah bar that i've been to before, and it's one of those places where i'm guaranteed to have a great time. we went out, armed with our fake ids. we got out of the cab, and everything went the way it always does. guys would call out indecent remarks and old-school pick up lines, and bums would ask us for money. we, two of my female friends and one of my male friends, walked away smoothly and cooly, never losing our composure.

the bouncer, an african man dressed in a white suit, instantly looked at us suspiciously. my male friend gave him the id, which happened to be an indian driver's license. the bouncer looked at it, then at us, and back at it, ending this repetition by calling over the owner. my friend knew his brother, the other owner, so he cajoled him into letting him enter the club. i was next. i handed over my international student id, and the bouncer again repeated his little dance, with an insolent smirk on his face this time. the owner was called over, and what did he say? no. you can't go in.

i was baffled. i have never been turned away from his place below, and this was a blow to my dignity. with me not getting in, no one wanted to go in, so we walked away, offended. i was offended, anyway.

but really, what can i do or say? this is the life of a 20-year-old, totally based on luck. sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. until i turn 21 (in 7 months), i'm stuck. in the meantime, all i can do is work on getting a better fake, and make myself look a little older.

Chapter 7: The future.

i've been thinking about my future a lot the past few weeks. partially because i'm now going to be a junior in college, and i need to make some concrete decisions. partially because people around me have been talking about their futures a great deal. and partially because my mother insists on bringing it up in every conversation we have.

so what's the problem? well, for one, i don't really know what i'm doing with my life. wow, that sounds pathetic when i say it out loud. rather, write it out loud. i'm in a positive situation, though. i have too many options rather than none. some of those options really appeal to me, others really appeal to my parents. then there are those that appeal to both of us, but i'm not really sure if i can accomplish them.

how do i choose? no idea. i tend to set lofty goals for myself, and they don't seem to work out a lot of the time. i think i should try setting small ones, you know, things i can do in a week. like study my gre's 2 hours per week. write for 15 minutes a day (stole that one). go to the gym 3 times a week.

i'll let you know how this works out.

Chapter 6: Life and death.

near death experiences are usually never humorous, but my summer of 1999 begs to differ. that particular summer, my family and i went on an end of the summer trip to wildwood, new jersey. this town is the epitome of summer: rows and rows of seasonal houses; motels, hotels, and lodges dotted in between; a boardwalk with people from all walks of life; and one of the best beaches as far as the eye can see. the greatest place on earth for any 12-year-old.

i was especially excited to go down to the shore because i had just finished the “guppy” level of swimming at my ymca. the guppy level is exactly what it sounds like – the very first level of swim classes. until then, i had never swum an inch in my life without some kind of safety device, and knew that i would probably perish without one. however, at this point, i was pretty confident that i could compete in the olympics, and get that gold medal, too. no problem.

my 15-year-old sister and 9-year-old brother joined me both in this class and in this sentiment. we could finally jump in the pool at the family lodge where we always stayed. we could finally jump in the waves of the atlantic ocean, the same ones where our dad would hold our hands as we carefully, oh so carefully, waded through them. most of all, we could finally, finally go on the coolest and funnest rides at the water park, the ones that ended in pools that were six feet deep.

the minute we reached the lodge, my siblings and i knew that we wanted to jump in the pool as soon as we could. the suitcases were opened as soon as they reached our second story room, and the three of us were ready to use our new aquatic skills. my mother gave us permission to go down to the pool, with strict instructions to stay on the shallow end. the three of us trooped down, and surveyed the area like old pros. the only other people there were an older couple, around my parents’ age, who were calmly sitting on the side. the three of us went in, my sister and i wearing oversized t-shirts over our bathing suits.

from the minute i went in, i thought that the water was the place to be, and i questioned why anyone would want to stay on land. being the expert that i was, i decided to walk over to the slightly deeper end, and then to walk a little more. i found myself sliding down the slope of the pool, and i did the only thing that i could at this point – i reached over and grabbed my sister.

as we slid into the water, i could hear my swim instructor’s voice in my head, “paddle, sherene, paddle!” i wouldn’t call what i did then paddling as much as it was flailing wildly in the water, arms and legs. it did help me out, however, and my head popped up over the water. the next second, i felt myself getting pulled under, and when i looked down, i noticed that my older and bigger by three inches sister was climbing up my shirt in an effort to save herself. down i sunk, back into the water. i then had no choice but to grab the end of her “d.a.r.e. keeping kids off drugs” shirt, and tug. i had to breathe, too, after all.

back in the room, my dad was asking my mom where the kids were, and she calmly told him that we were in the pool. he came over to check on us on the overlooking balcony when, lo and behold, there are his two eldest children bobbing like apples in the deep end. wasting no time, he climbed over the rail and jumped into the pool from the second story of the lodge. swimming over to us, he took the both of us by our over-sized shirts and threw us over onto the shallow end. at this point, the other couple, who thought that we had been playing the entire time, came over to help out when they finally realized that something was wrong. we were then treated to quite a scolding, followed by quite a lecture.

through it all, my brother did as he was told and stayed in the shallow end. i’ve always listened to my mother since.

Chapter 5: Work. Or something like it.

so the question was raised in one of my classes the other day: when do we become adults? is there a definite start to this process, or is it a malleable, understood boundary that we just accept because others have told us it's true?

there were many different answers to this question. some said an absolute age, like 21. if that's the case, then i only have a solid 6 months left until i become an adult? oh no, please, i hardly deserve such malicious treatment. plus, drinking alcohol in no way qualifies anyone as an adult. others said that certain milestones in one's life will make a child blossom into adulthood. situations like the first time you truly fall in love, going off to fight a war that you may know nothing about, earning your first paycheck and then writing it off on your first bill. i know plenty of children who have gone through these things not because they wanted to, but because they had to. does having the ability to choose to go through one of these events make one an adult?

i guess then the next question would be what is adulthood after all? responsibility. self sufficiency. maturity. morals and values. knowing right from wrong, good from evil. i'm pretty sure that i know these things now, so how will i know when i have become an adult? in that particular class, i don't think we came up with an answer to these questions, but they made me wonder. i've seen all kinds of people around me, from children who have been forced to grow up too quickly to adults who have yet to take their lives into their own hands.

as for me, i don't know when i'll become that adult who everyone expects me to become. i may know a few things, but there are many more that i need to know and, more importantly, experience. about myself and about this world that i live in. i'm just satisfied with the knowledge that i'm not ready to be that person just yet. and when i am, i'll know.

for now, i'll just continue to pretend to work as i update this blog. me, an adult? yea, ok.

Chapter 4: What drives you forward?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

marianne williamson. "a return to love"

picture: my parents 25 years ago.

Chapter 3: A little bit of hope? Maybe? Just maybe?

so the other day, i was in bucks county coffee, doing my usual thing: i go inside and just sit there, doing work. i'm not sure if i'm expected to purchase anything. regardless, i don't. unfortunately, this behavior has earned me the scathing looks of the baristas at the counter as i drink my solitary bottle of poland spring. ah well, so is life.

anyway, as i was sitting at the farthest table from the counter, my attention was caught by the women who were ordering their drinks. the first was an asian women with long black hair, dressed in a lavender nurse's uniform. she seemed in quite a rush, struggling with a packed-to-bursting tote bag and a smaller, gucci purse. she was so frazzled that she couldn't find the 23 cents that she still owed the cashier. at this point, i noticed two black women standing near her. one was wearing jeans and a regular black t-shirt with a name tag around her neck. and this woman can only be described as boisterous. her chatter and laugh filled the entire room, and this was certainly a large room. the other, smaller woman was dressed in pink velour pants and a cropped denim jacket, holding a fake gucci purse at her side.

upon seeing that this nurse couldn't find her change, the loud woman instantly presented her with what she needed. needless to say, the nurse appeared to be better off than the other woman, but the louder woman had no problem offering her change. and the nurse gratefully took it, and paid for her coffee.

this little scene really did make me feel all warm and sunny inside. it did restore some of my faith in people. faith that was never lost; faith that was never there to begin with. i'll admit that i handicap humanity when i judge them so that i am not disappointed when i find out that yea, they can be as bad as they seem. but this little incident made me think different for at least that day.

of course, as soon as the nurse left, the other two women began to make fun of her. ah well, so is life.