Chapter 18: Time.

i am late to everything.

despite how ostentatious that statement may look, this is not something that i am proud of. it really is amazing, however, that this happens because no matter how early i leave (read, plan on leaving), i am always about 10 minutes late. sadly, i can always be later than this, but never earlier.

i've always wondered what the world looks like 10 minutes before i saw it. i imagine that it is a completely different place, one that i would never be able to recognize. i've also wondered about all the misfortunes and opportunities that i have missed because of my lateness. despite wondering about these things, i cannot seem to change my timing.

unless everything else were to start 10 minutes later than intended.
a girl can dream.

Chapter 17: Life.

what constitutes a truly morbid thought? what pushes a person across that thin line between a contemplating philosopher to a depressed maniac? how do you know where you fall?

i've always thought seemingly morbid thoughts as far as i can remember. the idea of death and what it must feel like to die has always intrigued me. no, not in a "ooh, i want to try!" kind of way. more of a fascination of sorts. with the idea, with the after-life (is there one? isn't there one?), the idea of a soul.

what attracted me most to death was the dignity in it. a lot of people say that the expression on a dead face is that of peace and serenity. honestly, i've always seen a look of pretentious dignity, nearing haughtiness, never quite there. a kind of pride that you see in a living person who walks into a room and owns it. you are probably just sitting there, minding your own business as you sip your drink, when you are compelled by an urge to look up at the door. and there she is, that person who can command the attention of the entire room, relishing in the delight of all eyes upon her and her alone. as you look around, you realize that others were just as transfixed as you were. you revere and envy her for this unseen power over others. this is what i see when i see death.

i've always thought that a person's true worth to the world can only be determined by his/her funeral. that is the one time when every person you have affected significantly or slightly will be together in the same room at the same time. i think this is what saddens me most about funerals. though the person is lost, i am a firm believer in that each has his own time to go and we can't do anything about that. the reason i cry at funerals is because that person will never fully realize his/her influence in the world, how much he touched a particular person at any particular moment. he'll never realize that this loss has brought forth tears from eyes he never expected, and nothing from eyes he expected to be red and itchy by now.

i'm not going to throw out the cliches of "live each day like it's your last" or "if you love someone, tell them so everyday." let's be honest, in the middle of all those cell phone calls and emails, dodging cars as you cross the street and dodging your boss at work, buying that non-fat light latte with extra whip cream, these are the things we forget to say. all i'm saying is that when have lost someone who has touched you in any way - and i mean any way - shed a few tears. if this is not your style, remember them as you take an extra minute out of your day to close your eyes and just breathe, make a small offering in her name when you give a quarter to a bum, or just raise your morning cup of coffee to him in salute. i may not have any lofty ideas about life or death, but i do know that no act of kindness or compassion will go unnoticed.

Chapter 16: Action.

what if all the world really was a stage? who would you be everyday?

i've thought about this a lot. the idea that you can leave your house one fine morning and be someone completely different, a different character with a different past, present and future. some days, it's so tempting. other days, i don't want to be anyone else in the world.

sometimes it does feel like the world is one huge production. sometimes elaborate and gaudy, other times minimalistic and stoic, always a show. and the script seems to be ingrained in the very pores of our skin. a few lines:

"hi, how are you?"
"fine, thanks. and you?"

"it's such a beautiful morning."
"i know. i hope the weather lasts."

"does this dress make me look fat?"
"no."


as long as the correct answers are given, the wheels keep turning and the world is at peace with itself. however, change a word or two, like:

"hi how are you"
"awful. and yourself?"

time screeches to a halt, babies start crying, famine strikes. and yet, this answer might be coming from complete and utter honesty. the person who is awful is merely making a statement, and isn't even asking the other person to listen to exactly what is so awful. yet, the other person will walk away from that conversation uncomfortable and troubled, and will have it lurk in his mind for the rest of the day. any spare moment will be devoted to thinking about this conversation.

i think i may try a bit of impromptu acting in my life from now on. you know, just to shake things up a bit.

Chapter 15: Fireworks.

fireworks always makes me think of my childhood. they remind me of a time when things were never complicated than who got to be "it" first or what flavor of ice cream i wanted that day. though i carefully deliberated all of my choices, i realize now that many of them could have been made with my eyes closed and my finger pointing in any direction. i'm pretty sure that others also share this sentiment and love for fireworks. so much so that every 4th of july, hundreds upon thousands of fireworks are lit all over the country.

this year was no different, except for the fact that i was at school for the holiday this year. my friends and i decided to make a day of it with pancakes in the morning and then going down to the philadelphia museum of art to see the customary fireworks. as the eleven of us trooped downtown

i did notice the clouds out of the corner of my eye as i packed my umbrella and hoped for the best. as we crossed through the parade (just as the alien impersonators passed by. i don't know either.), a few more clouds rolled in and ponchos came out. lo and behold, the skies opened up and out poured the rain. the eleven of us crowded under what i could only call 2.5 umbrellas, shivering as it got colder and darker. a few of us remained hopeful, saying that the fireworks were coming any minute now.

we didn't know at the time, but aretha franklin performed about 50 feet away from us, but as the speakers weren't turned on, we had no idea. some of our party left around 10pm, which made sense considering we had been there since, oh, about 7, 7:30? the worst part of the night, as if it could get any worse, was at 11, when it was announced that there would be no fireworks that evening.

none. nothing. not even one little flare. i don't think i've ever felt so heart broken in my life. there went my one break from the everyday, my fifteen minutes of regressing to my 12-year-old self, my one chance at getting lost in nothingness as my senses were dazzled by lights of different colors and sizes.

as we walked home in the rain, no less, i think the only words that were spoken were grunts of disapproval and sighs of regret. i couldn't remember ever being so disappointed in recent years. just as we passed a clearing in the middle of the city, we were overcome by the glorious sight of white lights and the loud boom of sparks. it was a miracle, i tell you, a miracle! all of us sat right there and watched as the next 15 minutes made our night. we waited an extra five minutes at the end just to make sure that there were no more. after seeing our hearts content worth of fireworks, we went home.

i don't think i've ever enjoyed fireworks more than i did that night. not only did the initial disappointment add to the effect, but spending it with some of the most amazing people i have ever met made it all the better. some how, that night turned people who i've been going to school for at least a year into people i've come to cherish and adore. haha, as cheesy as that may sound. and the best part of it all, is that the same feeling of ecstatic joy i get during fireworks, i now get whenever i see one of these people. i don't know about you, but i like a little cheesy-ness in my life.

Chapter 14: Romance.

i know everyone asks this question, but i have to ask it too: is romance really dead? well, damn. that sucks.

i really think, like every woman does, that i was born into the wrong century. where are the flowers, candy, little blue boxes, moonlit walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, oh come on don't make me go on!

i really started thinking about this last week when i was out to dinner with some friends. we were at a thai place near campus, a normal place that we tend to frequent a lot. towards the end of the dinner, i had to make a phone call so i left the table. upon returning, the faces of all the other 9 people at the table were so wrought with emotion that i was instantly curious to know what had occurred in that brief of expanse of time that i missed. the guys at the table were smiling incredulously at each other. the girls were looking at each other in complete awe and wonder. and one lone girl at the end of the table was sitting there with the most mortified look on her face. and a slice of cheesecake in front of her.

it seems that a boy from our year, who had been sitting at the bar when we came in, decided to send this particular girl this particular slice of cake. no one let her live this down, especially not the guys.

but honestly, i was kind of impressed. how many guys can really summon the courage to do something like that, and in front of all her friends? it wasn't even anonymous because everyone at the table knew that it had been him. yes, this action was met by laughter by most of the table, but i'm pretty sure that every girl secretly hoped that she was the one in that position. after all, what girl wouldn't want to be fawned over with a piece of really good cake?

Chapter 13: Sorry, you're going to hell.

the university of pennsylvania (penn) is known for its really beautiful campus. walking down locust walk as the flowers bloom and the cool winds gently sway the budding trees is one of the greatest things about going to this school. i can always tell when summer starts: people laughing and talking as they sit outside on college green with their lunches, professors making exceptions to rules to teach under the shade, and the crazy man thundering in the middle of the walk to all who will listen, all the while condemning all non-white non-catholics to the depths of hell. peaceful, no?

ask any penn student, and he/she will tell you of this man. as soon as the weather is just right, he comes in the morning, sets up his little placards, and gets to work denouncing everyone in sight. most people just keep walking right past, a look of outrage on their face when they hear what he says. but usually, that outrage quickly subsides once he is out of ear shot. a brave few will attempt to argue with this man, explaining how many of the greatest achievements of man were created out of diversity, but this tends to get pretty ugly. after all, the only way to deal with a man so in love with his own voice is to raise your voice a bit higher. and higher. and higher. until you and he are screaming.

despite how people react to him, and the reaction is always the same, he never fails to come out there and attempt his re-education of the masses. i'm sure that at some point, someone tried to remove him from the spot, but he changed his cries to, "the first amendment allows me to stand right here!" then the police men who glared at him slowly faded away, then the human activists, then the bums, then the people who were remotely interested, until all you have left is him.

the only thing that worries me about this entire situation are the people who walk by with indifference, shouting louder into their cell phones so their friend can hear about last night's drunken escapades. after all, "the other kind of evil we must fear most is the indifference of good men." i've come to find that once you start ignoring the little things, you move on to the medium ones, slowly working your way up to the biggest of them all. then it takes the death of 1.5 million children at the hands of the nazis to shock people into attention again.

i am comforted by those who stop and fight, who risk being late to chemistry again just to tell that man off. i am also comforted by the looks of outrage that i see on faces as they past by because at least realizing the wrong in something is just as important as fighting against it.

Chapter 12: Smile.

sometimes it seems as if the entire day, the world just pushes down on the corners of your mouth, making sure you don't smile.

i'm convinced that i can tell when i'm going to have a bad day. some portent or another will reveal itself to me, and even though i may not know it at the time, this is the foreshadowing of something bigger coming. i started believing in this in 6th grade. one morning as i got ready for school, i sliced my hand open with the worst paper cut i have ever had. with blood streaming down my arm, i went to school, where later that day, i got in trouble with the principal for something i didn't do.

today was one of those days. i came into work feeling awful and cold and sick, but i came in anyway. and then it seemed as if nothing was going well for me, as if everything had suddenly decided it was against me. the fax machine, the air conditioning, the computer, nothing was cooperating. i should have known that this was sign of some sort, but as usual, i didn't see it coming.

and then my sister called and told me that my cousin was dying.
i don't think any sign could have prepared me for that.

Chapter 11: The Stock Market.

i've recently become interested in the stock market. after all, who wouldn't be considering the very idea of investing? the idea that you can make money just by spending money wisely is, well, intoxicating. and yes yes, i know, there's far more to it that just that. there is research and considerations and preparation. blah blah boring blah. i'm ready to take some risks, baby!

interestingly enough, one of my closest friends and i recently had a conversation about risks. who takes them and who doesn't? after all, everything in life has a value, and every decision made is an investment. some are very minor, like what should i wear this morning? but think about it. if you put the time in to dress carefully, your output could be higher, but you are losing those initial resources of time and energy. and don't be fooled by anyone; it did take energy to put that outfit together that she supposedly threw on.

but then there are other decisions, other investments. ones where the outcome is the most important return of all: your happiness. should you invest in that career that may not pay so much, but it's what you love to do? or should you go for that 6-figure starting salary, knowing that you'll live comfortably?

thinking about this more, though, i realized that it's not so simple as these two decisions. sacrificing my own well being for money is settling to me, conforming to standards set by a illusioned society. but i also can't escape the fact that i am a product of that same society. one that teaches me that i need manolo blahniks to be a truly successful woman. and i want these comforts. but again, not at the expense of me.

where does this leave me? unhappy. i will always want more and expect more of myself because that's the kind of person i am. i will also take those risks that could bring me happiness. after all, big risks mean bigger rewards, right? but not all the time. not even half the time. (cue statistician to tell me the exact number.) the only guarantee is that every time i don't win, i lose something. there will then be those people who don't take those risks, settle with what they have, and lose nothing. so who really is the smarter person here?

i know i won't change. this is who i am, and i've come to accept this part of my personality. all i can do now is make a few decisions, a few investments and see where that puts me. as for the real stock market, i think i'll stick with some mutual funds here and there before playing with the big leagues of real stocks. but trust me, i'll get there.