Chapter 97: I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties.

with summer here (as of today, yay summer solstice!), i think i am going to revamp my blog yet AGAIN! (yes another life change did occur...). I know that there are so many lifestyle blogs out there, but i thought turning mine into one would make me more aware of it and therefore, update it more regularly. so here it goes.


to start with: the arm party! a term coined by the man repeller, it refers to just a group of random, oddly matched bracelets on one's arm. it can include a watch and doesn't have to. does it make sense? no. is it fun? YES. i am definitely a compulsive jewelry buyer (why? it will always fit!) and bracelets are an extra special vice because most can be too big for my wrist (#humblebrag? maybe). but as a certified member of the nyc publishing world, i've found that my wardrobe is made up of a lot of black so this adds the much-needed color. plus, it's a fun way to start my day.

My mixed metal and black arm party.

My "I'm-on-the-way-to-New-Orleans" arm party.

Chapter 96: Girls.

the interwebs are currently filled with all kinds of opinions on HBO's new series "Girls" so i thought i'd add my thoughts. like many people, i was excited and anxious about this pilot episode of this show that seemed to want to reverse the damage done by sex & the city. i'll admit it: i moved to nyc dreaming of martini filled happy hours and shoes galore. what the show failed to discuss was the cringe felt every time my rent goes out of my bank account (carrrie never writes a check except to manolo blahnik!), how sticky the subways get during the summer (no, we don't take cabs everywhere) and the pitfalls of living with roommates (they all lived alone).


1. no, not all 24-year-olds are currently interns. my sole goal upon graduating was to be able to pay for things on my own with my own money. full disclosure: i did live at home for a year and didn't pay rent. i spent that time saving up for any and all of my moving expenses when i did move to the city and made sure to pay for anything that i could. my goal was to be financially responsible, and i don't think that hannah's lifestyle is one that can be achieved by anyone who is strictly middle class, which i am assuming she is


2. yes, life is that confusing. i would never say that i have my life or my next steps figured out. the one thing i can confirm is that all these things are fluid. i never thought that i'd be doing what i do for a living when i graduated, but i am happy of where my life is taking me. hannah finds herself without a position and i get that. life is unpredictable, especially when you're 24 or 25 and some employers seem to think of you as disposable.


3. no, things are not as bleak as they seem. i'm not sure if it's the lighting or hannah's general monotone or marnie's constantly frowning face, but i have never been as sad as these girls are. obviously everything isn't peachy keen, but what's the point in being that sad and depressed?


4. yes, i do drink that much wine. what? it's good for you.


5. no, i'm not that spineless. what is with these girls? why does everyone in their life walk all over them? sometimes, a little completely baseless confidence can get you farther than you think.


overall, i was a little underwhelmed, but i'm ok with that. i can give shows a chance and many have deserved it. i'm just waiting for the characters and the writing to grow up a bit.

Chapter 95: I will never stop loving Dr. Seuss.

Chapter 94: Fitting In.

i've always been pretty good about sticking to who i am. of course, this definition has changed over the course of 25 years of my life, but for the most part, i have always determined that parameters that constituted "me." whether it was my "growing into my skin" phase in middle school to my goth/skater amalgamation phase in high school to my strictly jeans, tees, Converses and blazers look in undergrad, i kept my identity as fluid as i felt comfortable and as static as i needed.


when i entered the work force almost three years ago, i was ready to start all over again. i had a new job in publishing so i really wanted to impress. i took the age old adage "dress not for the job you have, but for the one you want" to heart. i really put myself into my look and i exuded that wonderfully naive confidence of a new college graduate. in tandem, i think both actually helped me to achieve more than i otherwise would have. i was fearless, ready to take on any challenge, willing to do anything, and was my own professional barbie.


fast forward to 2.5 years later: starting a new job has been interesting for me because i'm in a parallel industry, but doing something very different. the very first thing that i've realized is that i managed to lose that confidence i had when i first started working. maybe my experiences have made me more cautious or maybe my environment is more intimidating or maybe i've been at the bottom of the totem poll for too long. regardless, that gumption i first had seems to have evaporated and that once effervescent girl is now shy and introverted. 


about two months in, i've found that i'm still not there. i spend every sunday night telling myself how i'll fix my situation and spend every friday looking back at how nothing changed. i'm hoping that my three month mark will be my sudden breakthrough on how to be me in my new surroundings. 

Chapter 93: Changes.

changes in my life are what keep me awake. otherwise, i find myself falling asleep at work or while watching tv or even while cooking. not sleeping in the literal sense in that i have narcolepsy. asleep in a way that makes me feel like i am going through life in a fog that makes everything dull. i find myself on autopilot and completely disengaged from what i'm doing. there have been times where i've suddenly come to and realized that i had no idea what i did the past hour because i was so removed from my reality. that is my narcolepsy.


but changes keep me up and alert! but not bad changes (see previous post); good ones like a new job or a new apartment or a new boyfriend. all these things make me excited to get up and go! as cliche as that sounds.


i sometimes wonder if i will become one of those people who jump from job to job from sheer boredom. not the worst thing i could do, but also not the best thing that i could do, either. i'm hoping that continuing a career in marketing will help me spin this odd tendency in a positive way, but we'll see about that. 

Chapter 92: Rooms and roommates.

i moved to nyc a little over a year ago in 2010. having graduated undergrad in may of 2009 and having lived a year at home, i missed the deluge of my fellow graduates who all moved to the city together. they managed to find instant roommates because if one of their friends couldn't be a roommate, there was always a friend of a friend.

not quite so in my case considering my timing. and thus, i started on the search. a search that has resulted in me living with my third roommate in a year and a half.

this almost makes it sound like i'm a bad roommate and have run them all off. not so! (at least, i hope not). i seem to attract people who are in very transient stages of their lives. new jobs that have brought them to a new city, new jobs that take them away, new situations that just force them to look for a new place to inhabit. enter me with my seemingly extra room at all times.

i sometimes wonder what this says about me. do i seem unsettled enough that like finds like? or do i seem SO settled that those who are constantly on the move crave my stability? and being in a state of constant state of dissatisfaction, i'm not ok with either. the former indicates a flakiness while the latter indicates an inability to adapt. in all honesty, it could just be that i have a fabulous apartment, but i can't help but wonder how such people are pulled into my life.

Chapter 91: The roaring twenties.

i follow a ton of blogs and websites on an hourly basis. i mean, A TON. i've had people look at my blog roll and gasp at the sheer amount of blogs that i follow. these are separated into categories such as "beauty" or "news" or "pop culture," to name a few. i like to think of myself as a renaissance women with such a myriad of interests that yes, i do need to follow all 500 of the blogs that i follow.

while i was reading a "beauty" article, i came across a survey entitled "are you using the right foundation?" curious as to whether i am or not, i started filling it out when i was immediately accosted with the age bracket question. normally, this wouldn't have even crossed my mind as i checked off the youngest bracket, or in this case, it was 18-24.

...the youngest was 18-24 which means that i will soon be leaving this bracket. in fact, i'll be leaving it in a little less than three months.

i know, entering my mid-twenties is not that big of deal. plenty of people have actually managed to live through it. i think what shocks me is how different my life is as opposed to what i imagined it would be at the age of 25. i'll admit it, when i turned 18, i acquired a swagger to indicate that i was ready to take on adulthood. a swagger that has now turned into an uneasy shuffle as i find myself not exactly sure where i'm going.

is this normal? i always knew that 25 is some kind of milestone - for those younger, it's the indication that you're old. for those older, it's the good ol' days. yet, i feel neither of these things. my unease at where my life is going is punctuated by random moments and memories of elation or despair, but neither lasts.

maybe this is the year that i make my life go the way i want. the year i actually finish all the projects i started in my "good years." the year i have answers. the one answer i do have right is that yes, i am using the right foundation. one down, not even sure how many to go.

Chapter 90: Impact.

as i've written before, i've always had a fascination with death in a very hands off kind of way. i'm always intrigued by the outpouring of grief and compassion that comes after a person's death. the younger or more famous the person is, the more the grief triggered around the world. it makes sense since when a younger person passes away, you can't help but mourn their lost potential. when a famous person passes away, you celebrate their influence in the world.

this has been especially on my mind as of late with the recent passing of steve jobs. now, personal beliefs and morals aside, everyone can and should agree that this man has truly contributed hugely to the world as we know it today. in fact, he changed our every day routines to the point that it is very rare for us (in the first world, anyway) to not touch an apple product on a daily basis. and if we don't, there is probably one within arm's reach.

interestingly enough, i found out about his death from a fashion blog that i follow through google reader. yup, you read that correctly: a fashion blog. is this because of how fashionable jobs was while he was alive? not really, no. but his impact was so great and reverberated through so many industries, that even the readers of this fashion blog--which was really just a new york city girl modeling her own designer clothes in rather crooked poses on the top of her parents' apartment building--could mourn the passing of this man. after all, those fashion forward viewers might have been reading that blog through a mac or an iproduct.

with blogger's new features (maybe they're not new? i haven't been here in a while...), i can now see how many people have viewed my blog over the course of its life. i can't help but wonder who you all are, and what can be gained through my blog, if anything. i started this blog over four years ago (jaw just dropped at that) in the hopes that i could find a corner of the internet to call my own. did i ever think that ANYONE would read it? well, i hoped someone would which is why it's a public blog in the first place. as ridiculous as it may seem, i'd love to imagine that some post i made was the butterfly flapping it's wings to create the storm on the other side of the world. highly doubtful, but at least i can hope to have some tiny influence on the world, some fraction of the impact that jobs left behind him. perhaps this blog will be my ticket to fame, or it will merely serve as place to record my delusions. i guess time will tell.  

Chapter 89: Excuses.

i have a ton of excuses for basically everything in my life. not all bad, but not all good either. i can convince myself and others around me of why i didn't get to work on time, of why i didn't go home one weekend, of even why i haven't written in this blog for nearly a year.

there are some days, however, that the truth comes smacking me in the face from that neat little corner where i tucked it away. naturally, once i have convinced myself of my excuse (read: lie), the truth can no longer stick around since the two are at direct odds with each other. every so often, though, i have these moments where i feel like i've just woken up. as if everything i had been looking at was cloudy and the sudden rush of clarity takes my breath away. kind of like those claritin commercials.

i've made a decision to myself that these excuses can no longer be a part of my life. if i am making an excuse for something, i'll have to question my intention in making that excuse. is it something that i'm ashamed of? something i am too lazy to do? something i don't want to admit to myself? if there is anything that i can't admit outright, then it shouldn't be a part of my life. it's definitely time to be more honest with others and most of all, myself. (and with my blog, of course.)

Chapter 88: Crowds.

i know a girl who can just pick up and live anywhere. seriously. she has lived all over the country, been all over the world, and even now, is ready to pick and move yet again. she has the unfathomable capacity to pack enough items (clothes, toiletries, and all) for two months into a carry on bag even when she is going to places with varying climates. at this very moment, she lives in one of the biggest cities in the world and is about to move to the other side of the country in about two weeks.

clearly i'm shocked by this behavior, but what really shocks me about this how she never knows anyone when she moves to these new cities and places. she may know one or two people are most, but beyond that, she is a stranger in a strange land. the only reason i even know her is through utterly random events that happened through a friend of a friend. she has this uncanny ability of meeting strangers in coffee shops and while doing her laundry, exchanging numbers with them, and meeting them later for dinner.

this behavior of hers made me question the way i look at myself in the context of a crowd. i wouldn't move anywhere unless i knew at least a few people there, but is that really the way to look at it? living in nyc is living within a beast of people, languages, cultures, events, places, etc, so how could knowing 5 people in this mess make a difference? it is so easy to get lost in a crowd to the point where it can feel as if you are entirely alone while being surrounded by thousands of people. it can be a little too easy to siltently drown in this sea of people

Chapter 87: I heart.

as i've mentioned in this blog before, i moved to nyc at the end of august, and and at my two month mark, i'm looking back on what i thought this would be and what it's turned out to be. i know that it is always that quintessential dream of any fresh faced college student to move and make it in the big city, but that has truly been my dream. growing up in a small town where i could actually see the empire state building on a clear night instilled in me a sense of constant longing. however, living so close to the city meant that i didn't go there very often so i developed this incredibly idealized dream of what it could be - a dream based on fragments from movies and radio and anything else i could get my hands on. as most teens do, i had an incredibly ornate and grand design of what my life was going to be once i moved.

now that i'm here, i can honestly say that it is nothing as i had imagined. i forgot to imagine the being adult aspect of living in nyc. but as much as things can suck, i'm sure that i wouldn't be happier anywhere else but right here, right now.

i heart nyc.

Chapter 86: Compatibility

do children ever play with jigsaw puzzles anymore? from what i can tell, the term "jigsaw" only refers to that creepy man in that mask in those saw slasher movies... which i clearly saw (not). when i was younger, i had this huge kite puzzle that depicted children in a field playing with multicolored kites while their parents watched on, fairly generic. every time i opened that damn box to put it together again, three pieces would always inexplicably go missing. it didn't matter how careful i was to count the pieces or only take out the sky blue ones to start with or how i even put down a white sheet to "play" on just so i could see the pieces more clearly.

i became so desperate at one point that i took the side pieces and tried to cut them into the lost middle ones. it never worked, and in the end, i had a completely disjointed puzzle made up of extremely rough edges and random, rustic pieces strewn throughout. at the age of 10, this constitutes as a massacre of sorts. eventually, the puzzle was thrown away.

i would later learn that adults, with all their worldliness and wisdom, would have this same habit of mine of trying to take something that doesn't quite fit and attempting to force it into place. but substitute people for puzzle pieces.

it's shocking how many relationships i see in this world where the people involved simply are not compatible. this is certainly not limited to love relationships, either. it's shocking how many people are not willing to admit that they just don't mesh with another person. it's almost as if it's a mark of their entire purpose in life if they can't quite work well with another person. rather, they would prefer to subject themselves to awkward situations to either avoid admitting defeat or simply to not let the other person go.

the best way i know to combat this situation in my own life is to know the kind of piece that i am. by fully knowing and accepting my dips and curves and irregularities, i'll know the complementary piece who should fit along next to me, whether that's a person or a job or any other situation in life. and until then, i will no longer attempt to cut corners just to make things fit.

Chapter 85: Healthy competition

while discussing our current job environments, a friend of mine and i began discussing the difference between healthy and unhealthy competition. he explained to me he was ecstatic that another co worker at his level was already showered with accolades to the point that this other co worker was already assigned her own team. he even went on to say that he was happy that he wasn't even offered this new team because he was afraid of the amount of work.

i have to to be honest and say that i was shocked by this reaction. i have always been the person who strives to do and be more. if i happen to surpass others around me in the process, then so be it. but to say that i am perfectly content with my position in a certain place is something that i can't even fathom. or understand, for that matter.

it can seem sad to some that i never really feel like anything is enough. i don't consider it as a lack of something in my life, but i'm excited by the possibility of something new or more. i'm never disappointed by what i've accomplished, but i can never wait to begin something new. i know that to the naked eye, this makes me seem highly competitive. but to be honest, the only person i'm really competing with is myself.

Chapter 84: Dates & Times

and now the post that i'm sure everyone as been waiting on the edge of their seats for: my dating experience in nyc! while i'm sure that no one was actually anxiously awaiting this, it is a common subject to tackle once any single person has made that move into a major city, especially new york.

so what's my situation, you might be wondering. i am, at the moment, in a situation that can only be described as facebook's groundbreaking relationship status, "it's complicated." i'm not even sure what that means, but to keep things simple, i will say this: consider me single since i can date other people. there are days when i get off the phone with him grinning from ear to ear, and days when i just want to eat a bowl of cheesy pasta mixed with more cheese. (don't tell me you haven't been there.)

anyway, i've only been in two or three outings where i didn't know too many people around me, and all of them happened to be club/bar settings. the one thing i did notice is that people in ny aren't as standoffish as they seem on the street. granted, this might have to do with alcohol, but i'd like to think that is has to do with the uber-social demeanor people put on when they are in that "out" setting. if you go anywhere after 11pm, who isn't laughing, dancing, drinking, talking, and generally having a great time? yes, even the stereotypical crying girl in the corner was laughing at one point that night. and this ebb and flow of energy can't just be attributed to the flow of alcohol, especially when you take into consideration how slow it can be to get a drink around here. and yes yes, there are those who purely want to hook up, but i'm looking on the positive side right now.

i found that people were just nice. i've met some very random people, including a doctor from nj and a jazz music exec from harlem, but all people who shared a full conversation with me. this wasn't just a "hey baby, how are you tonight?" kind of thing, but an actual conversation about what we do, where we are in life, and where we'd like to be. have i gone on a date with any of these people? er, no. i might not be quite ready for that yet. but it's great to know that when the time comes, it won't be too hard to meet someone, if not a date then at least a friend.

there will always be naysayers (there's even one in my head right now) who say that i should be careful and these people only want one thing from me, etc, etc. well, maybe. but i have to say that my experience so far has been rather positive. so, in a nutshell, have i been on a date? nope. am i hopeful? sure. regardless though, this blog will be the first place for me to report on it.

Chapter 83: The very big city

every time i watched sex & the city, i was so jealous. here were these amazingly fashionable women who had these glorious apartments to return to after sunday brunch in trendy areas of manhattan, dishing about their fabulous saturday nights out. who wouldn't be jealous! and yes, i am not foolish enough to think that my own experience would be the same (really? that many manolo blahniks, carrie? feed the children.), but i really hoped that those episodes would hold something familiar for me.

not so much! no no, instead i find myself in a small-ish corner of an apartment (never let the term "charming" fool you in a real estate listing), surviving on a monthly budget that those satc ladies would blow through in about a week. i have discovered my love for cooking my own meals and bargain hunting throughout nyc. and let me tell you, there aren't many bargains to be found. i've found a value in vintage items and discount stores that i really never had before. i've also found beauty in taking walks to work and back home rather than taking the subway.

but maybe this is more that just about living in nyc on my own. maybe this about me growing up and realizing the true value of things in this world. as you might or might not know, this is actually my very first apartment, my very first piece of real estate, the first time that my name has ever appeared on a lease. i'm hoping that this sudden appreciation for the small things, or "charming" rather, is not just a temporary epiphany but a true lesson learned. maybe this move will be my first step towards being that bigger and better person i've always wanted to be. i'll just have to be bigger and better on a budget, but i'm thinking i can live with that.

Chapter 82: A change, I think.

i haven't been quite as prolific with this blog as i would like to be. in a previous post, i mentioned how this blog usually comes in handy when something terrible has gone on in my life and i need an inappropriate venting space. i guess i've comet to the realization that maybe this blog could be more than that. i mean, there are plenty of people out there who use their blogs to make money. i mean, that's obviously not a motivating factor, ahem...

i've been reading more blogs recently and realized that there are so many people out there who just talk about their lives and it's awesome. maybe mine can be the same, we'll see.

i've also realized that i don't share much about who i am beyond the small about me in the corner so i'll provide a small recap on my life, and the changes that have happened recently. i currently work in book publishing, which i absolutely love. i wanted to work in this industry and am so happy that i'm a part of it. i recently moved to nyc, which is basically the mecca that i've stared at from nj for the past 23 years. oh and i'm 23 years old.

so that's that! i hope you enjoy and comments are always welcome.

Chapter 81: I heard this on the radio today...

"I know I'm PMSing when my boyfriend's breathing bothers me..."

Chapter 80: Today.

i love pop culture, and frankly, i am not afraid to admit that. i love immersing myself in the culture that describes the today, the right now, the very minute in which i exist.

upon reading this statement, one should think, "what's the big deal?" but apparently, there is a deal. for centuries, someone who appreciates pop culture is considered to be lacking in culture. doesn't that seem like an oxymoron? why do i keep finding those around me seeking out obscure artists or movements in order to seem like the pioneers of such-and-such? in one conversation after the other, i'm finding people competing to be the world's biggest fan of something no one has ever heard of.

so how does this work? the more obscure, the cooler one is deemed to be? nope, not for me. that utterly-out-of-touch-with-the-now person is pretty lame, as far as i'm concerned. not because they are seeking out something new, but because they are seeking out something different. after all, the old adage is that everyone who tries to be different is really just the same.

do i like all aspects of pop culture? of course not. but i appreciate it because in the end, it will be what defines my generation and my peers. there is a reason why certain ideas become famous, and my fascination is why it is such. why shun the very things that surround you?

Chapter 79: Who are you?

in this day and age, everyone is trying to find themselves in one way or another. it could be through taking up a new activity like meditating, trying new things, or even pulling the ultimate act of leaving everything behind and traveling the world. all this effort is put into finding oneself. there are countless self help books, tapes, videos (does anyone use those anymore?), DVDs, etc dedicated to this pursuit.

after having survived through 23 years of this grand speck we call earth, i've come across this idea a lot. and to be honest, i have no idea what it means. it's the kind of situation where i know words are there and they are clearly in english, but i have no idea what they mean. i can't even fathom where i would begin such a search. and yet, in everything, everywhere, every one is telling me that i should know myself before i can start things in like, like a new job or relationship.

this is the conundrum that i find myself in now. apparently, i can't "give" myself to someone else because i don't know who i am. well, i know my name and my address. i know my age and my favorite color. i know that i love peanut butter twix bars and hate ice cream. i know that i don't believe in aliens but i do believe in second chances. these and countless other things i know, and yet, i'm being told that i don't know who i am. and therefore, i must take the time to do this.

i think it's really amusing that i've only heard of people leaving on soul searching journeys. i've never heard of someone coming back from one. if you know of someone who has done, can you refer them to this page, please? i'd love to hear that their soul is all about.

Chapter 78: Work!

i have been particularly lacking in the blog posts as of late due to my new job! it's been almost two weeks since i started this job (wow, time flies), and all i can say is that i have never been more thankful for this opportunity. in this time of economic and personal downfall, saying that one loves her job is truly a luxury, but one that i am so lucky to have. sure, the commute might be exhausting and the idea of truly being in the real world a pain, but i am one of the few who get to walk into her office with a genuine smile on my face.

now back to our scheduled programming.